Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Lady Advice and Etiquette - Lady Flu



I have Lady Flu.

*Dabs nose delicately with a lace hanky.

What is Lady Flu? Well........this illness is similar to Man Flu, but undoubtedly more serious and extremely life threatening. Symptoms can include:
  • A persistent high pitched cough.
  • A delicate nose that turns red and becomes painful to blow.
  • Feeling faint or nauseous at the thought of housework.
  • Weakness in arms with an inability to hang out washing or push shopping trolleys.
  • Sudden desire to wear old tracky daks and men's Tshirts.
  • Eyes appear puffy and mascara can be found halfway down the face.
  • Feelings and reactions are amplified and become highly dramatic.

In the most extreme cases, sufferers of Lady Flu report to have experienced a change in speech. They become whiney, demanding and speak in a baby-voice.


Cure

Extensive research has shown that this serious illness can only be cured in the following ways:

1. Increase intake of Tim Tams and Mint Slice - The higher the dose, the quicker the cure. Research has shown that it works best if these items are chilled before consumption.

2. Bubble Bath -  This should be long and luxurious. It must be noted that this will only work if there are approximately 5 tea light candles placed strategically around the room.

3. Trashy TV - The patient must be exposed to hours upon hours of Trashy TV. It is proven to be highly effective if small lady-like naps occur at regular intervals in between screenings.

4. Cups of Tea - Sufferers of Lady Flu have indicated they recovered quickly only if the tea is poured from a decorative teapot and served in a fine bone china tea cup. This needs to be served from  a tea-tray or trolley.

5. Footrub or Backrub - This should be administered for a minimum of one hour twice daily. It's important to note, if the patient is pressured to have sex after or during the backrub or footrub, any medicinal qualities are negated. There is also the risk that an unwanted obligation to have sex can increase the severity of the illness, and may result in death.


Most importantly, the victim of Lady Flu should remain in a reclined position, surrounded by endless fluffy cushions. Within reach should be chocolates and the remote control. A small bell should also be at hand. This allows the patient to ring delicately in order to have their every whim and need catered for.




3 comments:

  1. Go the small bell, I say. Every house should have one or two.

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  2. Poor Lady! You absolutely MUST have Aloe Vera tissues rather than those horrific ordinary ones. And lots and lots of magazines. And maybe just a little nap or two. Hope you're better soon xx

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