Friday, November 18, 2011

No Going Back

I was living in England when the dreams started.

I dreamt she was lying in a gutter, cold. I was kneeling beside her crying hysterically, shaking her. She was not moving, She was so cold.

When I called Australia I was told by mutual loved ones that there'd been lots of screaming and fighting in her house. When I called her on the phone, she told me she loved me and that she was fine. She said she was not with him anymore.

I kept dreaming about her. Horrible dreams of loss, screaming and death. I knew she wasn't fine. I had to go home.

When I saw her she was so skinny and frail, she seemed distant, she seemed sad. She said they were not togther, but she loves him and still see's him.
I stayed at her house for some time. When he came over he was nice and charming. I knew they were still fighting. I could see bruises on her arms, and the scratches on her chest.
When I questioned her, she got angry, she told me she loved him, she said she was lonely and that no-one else loved her like him.

I glared at him and hated him.

They kept fighting, she kept leaving, she kept going back.
He pushed her; he told her she was fat and ugly; he told her he was sorry; she kept going back.
He told her she was useless; he took her money; they kept screaming; he said he loved her and was sorry; she went back. 
She had no food; no heating; he punched her; he said he would change; she kept going back,
He smashed the car window, they screamed at each other, he said he loved her and would get help.

He never got help.

She kept going back........... she kept going back.............. she kept going back.

I glared at him and hated him. I was angry with her. I hated seeing her like this, I held her in my arms while she screamed and cried. I held her as she screamed and pulled out her own hair. I held her to stop herself hitting her own face. I felt like her mother and I rocked her like she was my child. I washed her face and her tears. I was frustated and could not understand. Just fucking leave him!!

When he smashed down the door and kicked the teeth out of her face, he was finally charged by the police.

He was not allowed to contact her. He contacted her. He was not allowed to see her. He saw her. He was not allowed to hit her. He hit her.

He went to court.

I was so proud of her. She was shaking but she stood and held her head high. She found an inner strength and spirit.

He moved away and she was finally able to heal.

It's been years and I know as she reads this she is thinking about that life and wonders how she ever lived through it. She may feel ashamed, because she put up with it for so long. She may even cry because it still hurts and there will always be a wound. I know she's thinking, it will never ever happen again.

I want to tell her how beautiful she is with her new smile.
I want to tell her how strong I think she is.
I want to tell her how proud I am.
I want to tell her I love her.
I want to tell her I am always here.

Today I Speak Out out against domestic violence. If you need help start here


  1. so so so beautifully written. I am relieved that she finally got the strength to stand tall. I'm relieved she had you to stand beside her. Domestic Violence is never okay.

  2. Thank you Lisa, I am relieved she had the strength too. I am also very proud of her.

  3. I'm so glad your friend got out and her ex got what he deserved. I've been in the place of the friend too. It's so incredibly hard to see someone you love go through it. I'm glad your friend is free.

  4. What a gorgeous post, despite the ugly topic. Thank god your friend got out. And thank god she had someone like you who believed in her and stood by her.

    Thank you for posting and supporting the Speak Out initiative. I'm sorry it's taken me several days to come by and comment. I had a strong reaction after reading through a slew of posts the first day -- felt very ill -- so decided to take a breather for a few days to regain my center. But please know I appreciate your strong voice being added to the campaign.