Sunday, December 4, 2011

Lady Advice and Etiquette - How to Deter Unexpected Visitors


This is the time of year when the number of unexpected and uninvited guests increases. People are in a festive mood and may decide to go on visiting rounds. If you live like me, this can cause anxiety. My house is never ready for surprise visitors.

I live a double life. To the outside world, I am polished, organised, groomed, and refined. Behind the doors of Daa Doo Manor, we like to relax............. a lot!!





Here are some strategies for dealing with surprise visitors.

1. At night, never turn the lights on. You must be prepared to sit in darkness. You may need to dim your monitor so you can continue to blog and use facebook. This strategy also has the additional advantage of saving you money on electricity. There is a health risk, so you must be careful of tripping over all your crap and causing injury to self.

2. During the day, keep your door closed. That way you can hide and pretend you are not home. Be careful of visitors who have their own key. These visitors are usually close members of the family who are quite comfortable with letting themselves in. If you find yourself in this situation, your options are to pretend you were asleep or quickly lay on the floor and pretend you are unconscious. Be warned, you may find yourself in the back of an ambulance on the way to hospital. It can be awkward the longer you leave it, to suddenly jump up and declare you were just joking.

3. Pretend to have difficulty opening the door. That way, your other half can frantically clean up and hide things while you stall the guests with multiple excuses about the door being jammed. If you eventually open the door, it's important to ensure you've allowed enough time for the other half to catch their breath. It can be rather suspicious if your partner greets the visitors all red in the face and breathing heavy.....especially if they are not known for exercising.

4. When guests knock, greet them at the door with your car keys and handbag. Pretend you are on your way out.  Make sure your destination is not attractive otherwise your visitor may suggest they join you. Some good suggestions involve body parts or body fluids. If you mention you are heading out for waxing or a colonic irrigation, and they still want to join you, I suggest you find new friends.
You will need to get in the car and drive around the block for ten minutes until it is safe to return.


The above four strategies are primarily for dealing with unexpected guests when you have been put on the spot. In my opinion, the best way to deal with unannounced visitors is to deter them from ever doing it again. The below strategies will have a deterring effect.

1. When visitors knock on the door, make loud sex noises. The louder the better. If you are serious about deterring those visitors, I suggest you take it to the next level and include animal noises. Make it sound like Old McDonald's Farm, and include some neighing, barking, bleating and crowing. Your visitors will get so uncomfortable they will leave. Just be mindful there is the risk they will brand you as a sick perverted couple and may never contact you again.

2. Answer the door naked, and invite them in. Scratch your bum, move towards them and give them a hug. Have another scratch and let them know they've turned up at the right time because you were just about to have a quick enema and than make lunch. You will find they will say no thanks and mumble something about not being able to stay long.





Please don't take this the wrong way and assume I never want visitors. I love having people over.  I would just prefer they call me first.

Please call me. I need the chance to frantically clean the house half an hour before you get here.
I need to keep up the pretence and allow you to comment on how stunning my house is. I also get the opportunity to respond smugly with "Oh nooooo, this isn't clean. In fact I apologise for the mess!!"




What lengths would you go to in order to deter unexpected visitors? Have you ever been an unexpected visitor?


31 comments:

  1. LOL! If I get unexpected visitors and my house is a mess (which is basically all the time) I just say "sorry about the mess but we live here" but I must say Lady Da Doo has some very good ideas to use in future P.S. here's another, get your windows tinted so when you're hiding inside they can't see you, not that that's why mine are tinted but I have found it to be an advantage :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thats a great tip Lady Shell Do. The window tinting idea is fantastic. It allows a lady to hide from visitors, but also have a snoop on the neighbours without being seen!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well Lady Daa Doo, I'm hearing you!!

    I have real life testimony that your strategies would have a deterring effect, your suggestions are spot on. I have inadvertaintly found myself in one of those uncomfortable predicaments when visitors arrived unexpectedly, and havent we all?. I have been sprung in that enema predicament and it certainly worked, but as it is a bit too macabre to describe here, I'll relate another situation....

    My mother-in-law arrived at my door unexpectedly bringing with her the recently arrived rich ranch owners from America, and their son Dwayne. Now I lived in a housing commission house with all the kids, but i always endeavoured to keep the main lounge room looking nice, just in case the queen should come to visit, but as my dear mum used to say,"just don't go in the other rooms! " The rich ranch owners had a nice cuppa and a chit-chat but as they were about to depart my mother-in-law stood up and announced "before you leave I'll just show you the rest of the house" .........WWWhhhaaattt!!........... The kids rooms!, the floordrobe, the wet bed, the absolutely filthy distgusting chaos in all the bedrooms,... and best of all,... the stench oozing from the laundry with a ceiling high pile of dirty nappies ...IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE....... I can't desribe the total stinking mess that confronted them. Amid the scent wafting from the ajar laundry door, the mood became quite awkward.........my mother-in-law both attempted to come to terms with this hellhole and at the same time get the in-laws the fuck outa there!!

    I can say, YES, the American relations did not return, they all left hasily and quietly. peculiarly apologising for their haste. And as for dear mum-in-law.....well......it just was never discussed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How unfortunate Dienema!! I can only imagine what sort of conversation they had in the car after leaving your place!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ready to change you life? Want to be pop-in ready? Here's what you do. You go to one of those rejecty type shops, and you buy 10 big baskets with lids. You put an empty basket in the corner of each room. As you see the pop-in coming up your path, you grab the basket and you shove everything (everything!) in the basket. You put the lid on. You open the door unred faced!
    You need to empty the baskets periodically, so that they are empty for the next pop-in!
    You're welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brilliant Alyssa!!!! I will send Lord Daa Doo out to get some baskets! This is a perfect! Thankyou for sharing this valuable tip. I might have to do a few practice test runs. I will get a stopwatch will time how long it takes.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I discovered this, because we're a doggy household also, and the floor needs to be vacuumed regularly, but it was always knee deep in stuff! So I would pick up one item at a time, either trying to remember where it lived, or inventing a new home for it, and I'd never get it done! And we lived knee deep stuff and in filth! So now I just shove everything in the basket, and then vacuum, and two seconds later the boys tip the basket upside down again. We are still knee deep in stuff, but we are less likely to get typhoid!

    ReplyDelete
  8. hahaha nice one!! It sounds like its a neverending cycle with those boys.

    Glad your baskets are also contributing to minimising typhoid outbreaks.I'm surprised we haven't got typhoid yet!

    ReplyDelete
  9. hahaha, we have the same husband AND the same house keeper. LOVED this post! My house and my view on unexpected visitors is exactly the same, only mine will likely call DOCS to come and take my children away, and I think I'd need longer than half an hour to get it visitor ready. Probably more like 24hrs. Everyone knows they do not visit me unexpectedly, lol. Thanks for the giggle :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. LOL! Agree with you! It is nice to get a warning before the time...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh Lady daa doo!!!

    This made me giggle and then cringe and then giggle and then there was that random "oh Shit" moment when I looked at my house and realised I NEEDED this advice!!!

    so Thanks.... I think....

    PS - I have also chosen to post anonymously for fear that people will know who I am.... I mean really - you have seen my desk at work!!! :-)

    PS - Its Flik :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Wendy, perhaps an additional option I could include, would be to move to the crappiest filthiest neighbourhood I can find.

      Flik! Well hi!! Your desk was amazing!!It was like a school volcano science experiment, that was just about to explode. Very impressive. Did you ever get a photos of that desk?

      Delete
  12. You have some great ideas wish I had some of them a few years back when we move to the coast, we had friends wanting to visit that we had only met once something about the beach I suspect. Just found your wonderful blog now following catch up again soon. Have a great day.

    Always Wendy

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love it! I am guilty of hiding out but do live the just out the door idea!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It works Kate, but make sure you make your destination as unattractive as possible. You don't want them to join you.

      Delete
  14. Have you ever thought about doing a guest post for a funny (but criminally under-read) satire blog like ours?

    You are brilliant - not that I would ever dare show up at your door and tell you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thankyou Ed! A fine comment indeed. If you need to come around and exclaim my brilliance, I will make sure we tidy up first. The door might still have that jamming problem though. 
      I would love to guest post. Your website is my fave. It always makes me laugh :)

      Delete
  15. Possibly with the exception of the last two I'm afraid to say I've done all of the above at various times. I find hiding behind the couch and pretending no one is home is always a good stand by. The kids do tend to ruin it though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. I'm imagining you hiding behind the couch with the kids standing near you saying "mum! Mum! There is someone at the door!"

      Delete
  16. I used to, I was so stunned I didn't really know what to do. And we never have any food in the house so it usually means they don't come back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thats a good technique. No food. I didn't think of that. "Sorry I've only got mouldy bread or toenail clippings to offer you for lunch"

      Delete
  17. Since the baby took over our room, our living room is now our change room. Unannounced visitors will certainly "see" a lot more of us than they may have planned. I like the enema and lunch idea however... nice 'touch'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol Lani, that's a good idea. Invite the guests in and say "I hope you don't mind, I've just got to get changed". Your guest will say "go ahead" and they will have no idea you are about to whip the clothes off and change in the living room. Hehehe.

      Delete
  18. Haha! My house is never ready either! I love the one about pretending to be on your way out - it's totally believable! I'm using it! Cheers for linking and the great idea!! Robo X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Robo. Thanks for hosting the linkup! I'm glad you can take something useful from the post.

      Delete
  19. I detest unwanted visitors, please call first. Lucky we have places to hide, well when the kids don't ruin it and say MUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMM someone is at the door and they look through the tinted windows! Mental note to self, put a false set of keys at front door for those pesky unwanted visitors x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those kids will give you away!! Can you bribe with lollies???

      Delete
  20. What is with people calling over unexpected!? My parents used to do it all of the time...now not so much thankfully!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know!!! I would never call over unexpected!

      Delete
  21. OOH I just love number 4! So easy to have a bag by the door..'Oh, so sorry, I was just on my way out...' I obviously love catching up with friends and family, but I must admit I like it to be on my terms. Not a fan of the pop-in! Great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lara :)
      Keep a handbag and a set of keys by the door.

      Delete

.