Saturday, December 17, 2011

Lady Advice and Etiquette - MASSIVE Underwear





Last night I had a fabulous dinner with two of my dearest lady friends.  As usual the conversation was centred on all things ladylike, which I know is a very broad topic. So let me elaborate.
Our conversation was focused on lady subjects such as food, fake boobs, babies, annoying partners,  annoying acquaintances, and annoying underwear.
BIG annoying underwear.
MASSIVE, full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear.

You know, the type that generally comes in a nice skin coloured beige. The type that starts from the boobs and goes all the way down to the knees. The type that is usually worn to weddings, or to the partner's work Christmas party. The type that promises you will drop from a size 16 to a size zero and never delivers.

The type, that when you were 21,  swore you would never wear. They type that makes you wake up screaming one day because you are now in your 30's and somehow it has found it's way into your drawer. The type that causes dizziness because it makes you overheat. The type that forces you to sound like a rutting bull as you struggle to pull it back up after going to the toilet.

My lady friends and I spent a lot of time discussing these types of underwear, and the challenges they bring.  Considering this time of year many ladies are attending parties and are hoping to squeeze into a little dress, I thought it appropriate to provide my readers with an answer to some common questions ladies (and gents) have about MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear.

Question One.
I sound like a rutting bull when I try to pull up my MASSIVE underwear after going to the toilet. What can I do to avoid this?

Answer
Easy. Don't go to the toilet. You can avoid the toilet altogether if you simply stop consuming any liquids or solids. If you are at a social function, you may have to pretend to eat and drink. The solution is to place food in your mouth, pretend to chew and then delicately spit it out while covering your mouth with a napkin.  An option is to recycle your chewed food by placing it on a cracker and putting it back on the canape tray.
If you simply must eat or drink, a suggestion would be to wear a nappy underneath your underwear. The wonderful thing is that you can go to the toilet without even leaving the dinner table and missing any of the riveting conversation! Try to avoid doing a number two at the table as the smell could give you away.

Number one only Ladies!





Question Two.
When I go to powder my nose in the bathroom, I can hear the sounds of a rutting bull coming from the toilet cubicle. Should I knock on the door and offer some assistance?

Answer
Absolutely not, for a number of reasons. Firstly, some things should not be seen. The lady would be humiliated and mortified to be seen in her MASSIVE underwear with lady bulges mushrooming from the neck and the knees. Second, she might be constipated and that could be the reason for the grunting noises. Thirdly, it might actually be a rutting bull and if you knock and disturb, it might get angry. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of a rutting bull.





Question Three
I'm a man that would like to look my best and I want to squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans that are eight sizes too small. Should I sneak into the ladies underwear section and get some for myself?

Answer
No way big guy!! I wouldn't recommend you try to squeeze your manliness into a pair of ladies MASSIVE  underwear as it might cut off the circulation to your manhood and make it drop off. The good news is that you can still squeeze into your skinny jeans because MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear also comes in a men's range.

Comes with full-body zip for ease of access

This one comes with bonus Cod Piece




Question Four
I'm a manufacturer of MASSIVE underwear and I want to find a great way to advertise my product so I can sell lots of these.

Answer
Find a super skinny model, take a photo of them wearing MASSIVE beige underwear in a porno style pose and turn the fan on. It will create the impression that that you can still 'pick up' and wear MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear. Sex sells, and there is nothing sexier than a lady that sounds like a rutting bull while she is trying to remove MASSIVE underwear in the heat of the moment.

"You could look like me too"






Question Five
I love wearing G-strings because they are so comfortable, but I also need some shaping, and would like to wear some MASSIVE underwear so I can fit into a dress that is four sizes too small. I'm in a real dilemma what should I do?


Answer
Simple. Take some MASSIVE underwear and a pair of scissors, then cut the arse out.

Added bonus of an inbuilt cooling system







So ........what are you wearing under your little black dress this party season?




26 comments:

  1. LOL - I could so relate to this post !!!!!

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  2. Sorry - meant to add I didn't wear a LBD to the Christmas party, I went in size 12 jeans and top - I felt much more confident in jeans than a dress so this year didn't have to struggle with the MASSIVE undies !!!

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  3. That last pic is funny lol how weird would that feel under your clothes...

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  4. Hi Me! Jeans are a lot more comfortable, plus it is easier to cut the rug and do some elaborate dance moves in jeans.

    Mumma K - I agree that last pair of underwear would feel very weird under clothing. If you were wearing satin, that fabric might stick.

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  5. Hello Lady Daa Doo, I am single and hoping to err pick up at a Christmas function. Should I wear massive Underwear? (PS If you are my brother dont read this)

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  6. Hello Anonymous, you will most definately need a massive pair of underwear so you can lure the potentials in.
    Once you have entrapped them in your web of allurement, you will need to discretly go to the bathroom with a pair of scissors. There you will need to cut your way out of the undergarments so you can emerge au natural. Just ensure this is done silently, so no rutting bull noises, and please be careful you don't snip your delicate lady bits.

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  7. Why thank you Lady Daa Doo, luckily I bought a new handbag for myself today when I was buying Christmas presents. I will pop a pair of scissors in the bag now!

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  8. My MASSIVE underwear comes with a very handy wee hole! Truly! Which you an carefully draw to one side! So you don't have to make the rutting bull sounds! But you to have to practice at home to improve accuracy.

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  9. That's fantastic!! Also very handy! I will be sure to add a pair to my collection.

    Thanks for the tip about practicing at home first. It could've been highly embarrassing at my next visit to Buckingham Palace. I could've slipped over and knocked myself unconscious.

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  10. Hahahahah! Holy shit, the last picture was best. Why oh why do you need assless MASSIVE underwear? I can't figure it out.

    I do have daily struggles with my pantyhose in the winter, though. UGH.

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  11. Hilarious. HILARIOUS I tell you. I love the pic of the arse cut out. I always have that dilemma! I can so relate to this post because I am always wearing those Dr Rey's tummy tuck undies and they are so fucking uncomfortable I want to strip naked and run freeeeeee!

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  12. @Gia, I know!! Why does this assless variety exist?? Does it make it appear perkier because all of the Lady bulges come bursting out the openings?

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  13. @Ronina - they are so constricting, but they do the job of squishing everything in. There is nothing like the feeling when you have been in them all day (in the middle of summer) and you get home and finally can take it off!! Its such a relief.

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  14. Lady Doo Dah
    I do adore your advice and will definitely ignore rutting bull noises in the Ladies. I feel one answer to the underwear dilemma is to wear more hats. If all attention is on your head, then the ass is invisible, right?
    Mrs Catch
    xx

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  15. Great advice Mrs Catch!! Soooooo the bigger the ass the bigger the hat?

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  16. This is the funniest thing I've read all day. I tried them once.

    And I'm fairly sure that's EXACTLY what I sounded like when I tried to get them on!!!!

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  17. hahaha Thanks Melissa!! Imagine the sound of a room full of ladies trying to get these on! Surely there's a world record in that!! I might launch one!

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  18. This was so funny! Just discovered your blog!!
    xo
    Sharon

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  19. Love it! I always find that the fecking annoying underwear I have doesnt fit under my little dresses (the back is too high, the skirt/pants bit is too long), so I end up wearing neither and going with jeans and a flowy top to cover my muffin top - much more comfortable and better for dancing!

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  20. Hilarious post! Thanks for the giggles.

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  21. Hello Fashion-isha and Emily!!
    Thankyou for your comments, I'm glad I you got a good laugh :-)

    Miss Holly, there is nothing more comfy and more suitable to hide a muffin top than a flowy top!

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  22. Wish my big lady undies had a zipper! Although I probably would struggle zipping them up. Tricky enough zipping up my jeans at the moment ;)

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  23. Oh wow the guys get a zipper?? I want a zippered one.
    My friends and I call these "fatsuckers". Although they just seem to spread the fat to other areas of the body while making you breath less. I avoid going to the loo wearing one and always think its a great idea after about 5 drinks to tear it off and stuff it in my tiny handbag.

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  24. I worked with a woman in her early 60's who said to always wear a g-string under MASSIVE underwear, that way you look good enough to pick up, but when you do pick up, you can discretely remove the massive underwear to reveal the sexy g banger underneath. She never mentioned what to do to hide the sounds of you pulling them off though...

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  25. Really great your blog is so amazing. I saw your blog and very glad read this blog.

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  26. You are a bloody crack up!! The mind boggles when I see the girl with her butt cut out in those skinny knickers. I have to say I'm SOOO a sucky-inn undie fan!!!!! x

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