Out of Office

Hello and thank you for stopping by.

I'm currently out of the office enjoying a week long holiday in Port Macquarie where I am lolling by the beach side, sipping wine, and stuffing food in my face with both hands.

Please leave a message and I will action all requests when I return.

For urgent enquiries please contact Lady Daa Doo on FACEBOOK and TWITTER

I would like to wish my readers a very merry Christmas and here's hoping 2012 is full of love and laughter and also shits and giggles.

MWAH xoxoxox

Lady Advice and Etiquette - MASSIVE Underwear

Last night I had a fabulous dinner with two of my dearest lady friends.  As usual the conversation was centred on all things ladylike, which I know is a very broad topic. So let me elaborate.
Our conversation was focused on lady subjects such as food, fake boobs, babies, annoying partners,  annoying acquaintances, and annoying underwear.
BIG annoying underwear.
MASSIVE, full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear.

You know, the type that generally comes in a nice skin coloured beige. The type that starts from the boobs and goes all the way down to the knees. The type that is usually worn to weddings, or to the partner's work Christmas party. The type that promises you will drop from a size 16 to a size zero and never delivers.

The type, that when you were 21,  swore you would never wear. They type that makes you wake up screaming one day because you are now in your 30's and somehow it has found it's way into your drawer. The type that causes dizziness because it makes you overheat. The type that forces you to sound like a rutting bull as you struggle to pull it back up after going to the toilet.

My lady friends and I spent a lot of time discussing these types of underwear, and the challenges they bring.  Considering this time of year many ladies are attending parties and are hoping to squeeze into a little dress, I thought it appropriate to provide my readers with an answer to some common questions ladies (and gents) have about MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear.

Question One.

I sound like a rutting bull when I try to pull up my MASSIVE underwear after going to the toilet. What can I do to avoid this?

Answer

Easy. Don't go to the toilet. You can avoid the toilet altogether if you simply stop consuming any liquids or solids. If you are at a social function, you may have to pretend to eat and drink. The solution is to place food in your mouth, pretend to chew and then delicately spit it out while covering your mouth with a napkin.  An option is to recycle your chewed food by placing it on a cracker and putting it back on the canape tray.
If you simply must eat or drink, a suggestion would be to wear a nappy underneath your underwear. The wonderful thing is that you can go to the toilet without even leaving the dinner table and missing any of the riveting conversation! Try to avoid doing a number two at the table as the smell could give you away.

Number one only Ladies!

Question Two.
When I go to powder my nose in the bathroom, I can hear the sounds of a rutting bull coming from the toilet cubicle. Should I knock on the door and offer some assistance?

Answer

Absolutely not, for a number of reasons. Firstly, some things should not be seen. The lady would be humiliated and mortified to be seen in her MASSIVE underwear with lady bulges mushrooming from the neck and the knees. Second, she might be constipated and that could be the reason for the grunting noises. Thirdly, it might actually be a rutting bull and if you knock and disturb, it might get angry. I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't like to get on the wrong side of a rutting bull.

Question Three

I'm a man that would like to look my best and I want to squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans that are eight sizes too small. Should I sneak into the ladies underwear section and get some for myself?

Answer

No way big guy!! I wouldn't recommend you try to squeeze your manliness into a pair of ladies MASSIVE  underwear as it might cut off the circulation to your manhood and make it drop off. The good news is that you can still squeeze into your skinny jeans because MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear also comes in a men's range.

Comes with full-body zip for ease of access

This one comes with bonus Cod Piece

Question Four

I'm a manufacturer of MASSIVE underwear and I want to find a great way to advertise my product so I can sell lots of these.

Answer

Find a super skinny model, take a photo of them wearing MASSIVE beige underwear in a porno style pose and turn the fan on. It will create the impression that that you can still 'pick up' and wear MASSIVE full bodied, super tight, fucking annoying underwear. Sex sells, and there is nothing sexier than a lady that sounds like a rutting bull while she is trying to remove MASSIVE underwear in the heat of the moment.

"You could look like me too"

Question Five

I love wearing G-strings because they are so comfortable, but I also need some shaping, and would like to wear some MASSIVE underwear so I can fit into a dress that is four sizes too small. I'm in a real dilemma what should I do?

Answer

Simple. Take some MASSIVE underwear and a pair of scissors, then cut the arse out.

Added bonus of an inbuilt cooling system

So ........what are you wearing under your little black dress this party season?

Wordless Wednesday: A Sunday Afternoon

A Sunday Afternoon

My mum playing with Maddy's hair while Aaliyah has a stare-off with the camera.

Dirty Diana

Diana sent me an email today by mistake. Initially I thought it was spam. I thought it was an attempt to potentially gain access to my personal information. I was wrong.  I showed Lord Daa Doo, and he admitted he had also received the exact same email from Diana. I read the email again.
The email is convincing and well written. Diana is a lawyer and is obviously sincere and smart, so why did she send it to me? Well I believe she simply sent it to me by mistake. She must have been having a bad day or a 'blonde' moment because she also mistakenly sent exactly the same email to Lord Daa Doo.

I read the email again, and it slowly dawned on me!! Dirty Diana is back!!! And this time she is coming down under to steal my man!!


Here's the email:

Hello Mr !!! 

I know that this letter will a surprise for you. I would try explain to you. I was asking the agency to find a man for a serious relationship. They gave me email address. And so I write to you now.
I'm Diana.  I was born in Poland. But now I live in London. I'm a lawyer. I like my job, It's very interesting and communicative it gives me confidence in myself. I am very sociable girl. I never was married and no have a kids. My friends say about me that sometimes I talk too much. But I love to speak. I like read books, play sports : Basketball and Tennis. My height 175 cm. My weight 57 kg. Eyes - brown. hair color-light brown. I had a long relationship with a man over 4 years ago. But he  deceive me. I did not want such a relationship. I want a man in whose eyes I see the sincerity and honesty. I need a responsible man. Now you know a little about me. If you are interested please contact me on my personal e-mail.

Here is my email address - Geste@mx.itsaol.com

I'll have a vacation in 4 weeks. And I plan to visit Australia. I never was in this country. And it is interesting to me to know all about Australia. I want meet 2012 in Australia.

I would love to see your letter. Please tell me about yourself. Your hobby, interests? I'm curious to know all about you.
And I will send my pictures to you in answer on your mail.

With the best regards.
Diana

Now I have heard of and seen this harlot before (only from the waist down). I know she caused much trouble to my beloved Michael Jackson and was the source of many problems in his relationships. The last time I saw Dirty Diana she was prowling around in the late 80's, walking through puddles in smoky back alleys. She was also seen hanging around backstage doors hoping to hook up with The Band. I didn't realise she ended up going to law school and like read books! I'm sorry she ended up in a bad relationship with a man  who deceived her, but now she is free and no have a kids.

Apparently for the last two decades she has made her way around the world, and after leaving London, it seems the next conquest on her list is Australia.

Next year is the Dirty Diana Down Under Tour 2012

 
 Get the TShirt!

So ladies, you have been warned ! It's fact! I've received and read the email!!! Dirty Diana is heading to our shores next year! In four weeks time!!!

Once Dirty Diana is in Australia, she can stealth and disappear in any back alley,  there is no knowing where she will show up.
Sydney? Melbourne? Brisbane? Perth? Cardiff? Tamworth? Glenrowan? Cessnock? Toronto? Stockton? Grafton? Lake Munmorah? Islington? Charlestown?


If you are not certain of what she looks like, she is easily recognisable by the big gap between her legs which always catches the light. She can also be heard screeching over the phone "He's not coming back because he's sleeping with me!!"


Our menfolk are not safe, so it's important to be aware of some of the symptoms that indicate Dirty Diana has been around, and infected your man.

If your man starts to show these symptoms, immediate action must be taken!

• Take a look at his head. If his hair suddenly grows long and is teased and fuzzy, you know she's had her dirty claws in him. 

• Check his trousers, if they suddenly become tight and turn into leather,  it's a sure sign of Dirty Diana activity. 

• Check his chest, if a strong gust of wind starts to blow, his top suddenly rips in half, exposes his chest, and flaps in the wind. It is the dirty work of Diana.

If one of the above are evident than you still have hope. A quick squirt of hospital strength bleach rubbed into his groin area should neutralise any of the Dirty Diana effects.

If however, all of the above are evident and your man starts to thrust his pelvis and play air-guitar. I'm sorry to say that all hope is lost. He will need to be put down so he doesn't suffer any longer.

In four weeks time, please take extra caution when walking through smokey alleys. It is well known that Australian couples and families always take leisurely strolls through dark smokey alleys over the Christmas season. She could be there waiting.

If you spot Dirty Diana she is highly dangerous so I urge you, don't approach her!

Please watch the below factual documentary to see specific details of Dirty Diana in action.
Warning - The documentary includes evidence of smokey alleys, leg gaps, leather pants, ripped shirts, big fuzzy hair, and the deadly pelvic thrust!

Lady Advice and Etiquette - How to Deter Unexpected Visitors

This is the time of year when the number of unexpected and uninvited guests increases. People are in a festive mood and may decide to go on visiting rounds. If you live like me, this can cause anxiety. My house is never ready for surprise visitors.

I live a double life. To the outside world, I am polished, organised, groomed, and refined. Behind the doors of Daa Doo Manor, we like to relax............. a lot!!

Here are some strategies for dealing with surprise visitors.

1. At night, never turn the lights on. You must be prepared to sit in darkness. You may need to dim your monitor so you can continue to blog and use facebook. This strategy also has the additional advantage of saving you money on electricity. There is a health risk, so you must be careful of tripping over all your crap and causing injury to self.

2. During the day, keep your door closed. That way you can hide and pretend you are not home. Be careful of visitors who have their own key. These visitors are usually close members of the family who are quite comfortable with letting themselves in. If you find yourself in this situation, your options are to pretend you were asleep or quickly lay on the floor and pretend you are unconscious. Be warned, you may find yourself in the back of an ambulance on the way to hospital. It can be awkward the longer you leave it, to suddenly jump up and declare you were just joking.

3. Pretend to have difficulty opening the door. That way, your other half can frantically clean up and hide things while you stall the guests with multiple excuses about the door being jammed. If you eventually open the door, it's important to ensure you've allowed enough time for the other half to catch their breath. It can be rather suspicious if your partner greets the visitors all red in the face and breathing heavy.....especially if they are not known for exercising.

4. When guests knock, greet them at the door with your car keys and handbag. Pretend you are on your way out.  Make sure your destination is not attractive otherwise your visitor may suggest they join you. Some good suggestions involve body parts or body fluids. If you mention you are heading out for waxing or a colonic irrigation, and they still want to join you, I suggest you find new friends.
You will need to get in the car and drive around the block for ten minutes until it is safe to return.


The above four strategies are primarily for dealing with unexpected guests when you have been put on the spot. In my opinion, the best way to deal with unannounced visitors is to deter them from ever doing it again. The below strategies will have a deterring effect.

1. When visitors knock on the door, make loud sex noises. The louder the better. If you are serious about deterring those visitors, I suggest you take it to the next level and include animal noises. Make it sound like Old McDonald's Farm, and include some neighing, barking, bleating and crowing. Your visitors will get so uncomfortable they will leave. Just be mindful there is the risk they will brand you as a sick perverted couple and may never contact you again.

2. Answer the door naked, and invite them in. Scratch your bum, move towards them and give them a hug. Have another scratch and let them know they've turned up at the right time because you were just about to have a quick enema and than make lunch. You will find they will say no thanks and mumble something about not being able to stay long.





Please don't take this the wrong way and assume I never want visitors. I love having people over.  I would just prefer they call me first.

Please call me. I need the chance to frantically clean the house half an hour before you get here.
I need to keep up the pretence and allow you to comment on how stunning my house is. I also get the opportunity to respond smugly with "Oh nooooo, this isn't clean. In fact I apologise for the mess!!"




What lengths would you go to in order to deter unexpected visitors? Have you ever been an unexpected visitor?