Sunday, January 15, 2012

Body Sludge and Wedgies.

Today I had some luxury in my life, I spent my Sunday at a day spa to enjoy some blissful pampering. It started with a Jacuzzi. The room was all dark with little tea light candles glittering. I had a glass of chilled champagne beside me. I could hear the sounds of a flutist playing in a quaint woodland beside a bubbling brook, with the harmonic accompaniment of delicate chirping birds.
Sound relaxing? Yes it does sound relaxing, but it was the opposite. It was fucking stressful !!!

In my mind, all I could hear was the sound of a dickhead banging saucepans, in a stinky factory, with the inharmonious accompaniment of an industrial sized pneumatic drill. The glass beside me? Well it wasn't champagne but was full of black stinky sludge. I was disturbed and stressed because all I could think about was that black sludge in a glass, and the fact that I was sharing a Jacuzzi with all the disgusting filthy guests before me!

I'd never thought about it until about an hour before I went to the day spa. I was stalking facebook and a friend updated her status with:

A little hint... when you book into a spa suite, take a sachet of Spagiene with you - you'll be amazed (&; perhaps a little disgusted) at what is lurking in the jets/system... $5 peace of mind in 5 minutes ;-)

That made me inquisitive. What could be lurking in the jets system? I followed the link my friend had kindly included. The link directed me to a product specialising in spa hygiene.

Here is how the situation was described on the website:

Just imagine...

You have been driving all day and half the night.

You book into a motel and take the deluxe suite because it includes a spa bath and the state you're in, a long hot spa before bed would be simply priceless.

The bath is, as you predicted, magnificent!

You lean over to turn the jets on and suddenly a housemaid enters the bathroom carrying a glass of thick black sludgy looking liquid.

She explains that "in this motel, we don't sanitize our spa baths properly and therefore certain body fats, hairs, bacteria from wounds and potentially awful diseases that have come from previous guests' bodies, have been lodged in the pipes of this spa bath, they look just like the substance in this glass".

"Just thought I'd let you know before you turn the jets on!"

"Well... Are you going to use it now"?

If you don't know - Ask for SPA.GIENE

The remains of the previous guests

 What the fuck!!? I didn't realise this!! Potential awful diseases from other guest's bodies!?! Other people's body fats!?! HAIRS!! Bacteria from other people's wounds!!?? Will I get pregnant??! WHAT ELSE!!??? I was imagining all sorts of disgusting things stuck in the spa jets waiting to explode and pump out all over me!!
I started to panic! WHAT DO I DO? Do I have time to cancel? Should I run out and grab a sachet of this stuff so I don't catch any awful diseases!!!

I ran out screaming and asked Lord Daa Doo. He shrugged. (Well not quite shrugged, but he looked very bored and uninterested in my dilemma!!)

He shrugged!

How would he like it if I came home after swimming in other people's fat, hair, wound scum, gross body fluids, contracted potentially awful diseases and gave it to him????????

He shrugged.
I shrugged.

I didn't have time to order those sachets, I had to get there in half an hour! I was just going to have to suck it up, cross my legs, and leave it to the Jacuzzi gods.

I went to the day spa and was given a white fluffy robe and some disposable underwear. I can never figure out which way those blasted things go and I ended up with the crotch halfway up my waist and the waist part wedged up my bum crack!

 The disposable underwear was my barrier and I figured if they were wedged up my bum crack than nothing can get in.

I eased into the Jacuzzi, eyeballed the water jets and looked to see if there was anything gross floating about. All clear.

I shrugged, closed my eyes, leaned back and listened to the sound of that soothing flutist beside that bubbling brook.

I reached out for my glass of chilled champagne and lifted it to my lips, I took a sip and waited for the zesty champagne goodness to tickle my tastebuds............but all I could taste was black gross thick sludge made up of body fat, urine and infected wounds!!!

Just then, the doors flung open!! I was exposed to an open stinky factory!!  That dickhead came marching in banging his fucking saucepans!! All the workers in the factory were pointing and laughing because my disposable underwear was wedged up my arse!!

There's no way I could relax. I kept thinking of all those gross things like infected wounds, body oils, dead skin cells, urine and I could not stand the thought of swimming around and having them pumped all over me!
Get me out of here!!!!

I gingerly and promptly removed myself from the Jacuzzi, propped my leg up, probed around,  dislodged the wedged underwear, dabbed myself dry and put on the white robe. I grabbed the saucepan from the dickhead, hit him over the head and shoved it up his arse before making my way to the waiting lounge. There, I took a deep breath, calmed down and awaited round two of my spa treatment - a facial.

In the waiting room, I smiled sweetly and sipped some chilled champagne as if nothing horrific and traumatic had occurred. I listened to that wonderful flutist who was sitting on a rock by that  beautiful bubbling brook. All birds and other woodland creatures were sitting around him listening to the soothing relaxing music. I winked at Bambi and started to tap my foot. Thumper joined in and together we watched the dickhead float past in the bubbling brook with the saucepan still stuck up his arse!


  1. Okay, that is truly terrifying. They were talking about this same thing on the radio last night, about how beyond just the disgustingness of hot tubs, they also are a breeding ground for bacteria, and that just breathing the steam around them is enough to make you sick.
    Vom Vom Vom.
    My gym has a big banner up about how they will soon be installing a hot tub and I’m hoping I can resist the temptation. Judging from my past efforts at temptation resistance, I’m probably doomed.

    1. It is truly terrifying. I had no idea until yesterday!! Total ignorance! hahahaah just make sure if you are tempted, don't swallow the water and please wear a mask :)

  2. Darl you need to see me for some Aunty Val-ium - takes all the harsh edges off.
    That pic of the brown shit is spewarama.
    Over and out.

  3. I feel gross now. And sort of want to spew. Unfortunate as I'm waiting for pizza to arrive. Damn you and your gross black goop! ;)

    1. Sorry Bee. I should've put a warning with this one. Do not to read this at dinner time :-))

  4. HAHA, this made me giggle so much! I totally know what you mean though, there's no way I could have relaxed! There's just something about the word "wounds" that really generates some grotesque images lol xxxx

  5. Thats right Jen! Wound was the thing that got me freaked out! Infected wounds was twice as bad!!

  6. That's disgusting! And very disturbing! Spas may be ruined for me forever :P

    Also, just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the Leibster blog award - AGAIN! But I don't expect you to do ANOTHER post. Just wanted to let you know I love you as well haha

    1. Sheri Bomb!! You're the bomb!! Thanks a lot!! I'm feeling the love xoxoxox smoooch!

  7. I am very familiar with that kind of sludge, the hair etc...but not the infected wounds !! yuk

    1. Yes I immediately thought of you when I discussed the sludge. In regards to the infected wounds, you obviously can't see your own back. You should get that looked at. Those bedsores have resurfaced.

  8. Oh my word I am stressed reading this, I think I will give all spa days a miss! x

  9. Oh no!! I'm Sorry I ruined it for you. It's bad enough that I ruined it for myself, now I have to live with the guilt of knowing I've ruined it for others. Try wearing a wetsuit or some wedged underwear, that will save you xox