Sunday, January 29, 2012

Catching Nerds



In 2003 I moved into a block of units that had a high nerd population.  My sister and I lived together and we had the most fabulous social life.
Lord Daa Doo lived downstairs, and he had the unfortunate situation of having to hear our all night parties that included drunken tap-dancing with real tap shoes on the kitchen tiles at 3am on a Tuesday night. The poor guy also heard our weeing, and the toilet getting flushed due to dodgy retro plumbing.
 I'd always had 'a thing' for nerds, and I love to laugh. This particular nerd was particularly sweet and he could make me belly laugh. What a catch!

I'd found a suitable victim. Now if you are a nerd lover, you'd be aware they don't generally make the first move. So if a lady is to find nerd love, she has to take the lead. That's what I did.

I am not ashamed to say I have been drugging him for the last 8 years with Rohypnol. I also used techniques I stole from hypnotherapists. Each night I have been secretly putting my iPhone ear plugs into his ears and playing subliminal recordings about how fantastic marriage is, and how pretty I am. I've also included an option for him to dance like a chicken when I snap my fingers. This is for emergencies only. I figure I can bring this one out as a decoy, if I am ever in a situation and need to make a quick getaway. I can snap my fingers, make Lord Daa Doo dance like a chicken, and I can run to safety. He will be the sacrifice.

Now that I have caught my nerd, there is an engagement ring on my finger, I've noticed there are certain things I do differently compared to when we were first 'courting'.

1. I am not afraid to let fluffy off the chain in his presence. Ok. So its not at the stage where I can cock the leg and toot in his direction, but little fluffy always makes him laugh.

2. I can do a 'number one' with the toilet door open. Now admit it. You do this too.  The relationship hasn't progressed to the stage where I can comfortably drop the kids off at the pool with the door open. I hope it never gets to that stage, but I must note, he feels comfortable enough to put me though the agony. The neighbours often hear me screech. "Shut the door you sick bastard!!"

3. I let him put his hand on my stomach without sucking it in.  When first going out, if Lord Daa Doo ever put his hand near my stomach, I sucked it in so far it looked like I had a stomach under my neck.Who was I kidding!! I wonder if other people do this too.

4. I can now do big full faced ugly cries. When I say big ugly cries, I mean BIG UGLY cries. None of this delicate, romantic movie bullshit. My face goes red, my eyes turn inside out and my mouth looks like a cesspool. He just gets a facewasher and gives me a cuddle. .

That's just a couple of things I do differently now. What do you do differently now?

8 comments:

  1. Awww, that's cute. I stop trying to hide the crazy with Boyfriend a bit. Not sure if that's a good decision or not :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Gia. Well the crazy will come out sooner or later. So I think you've made the right decision....plus he's still around :-))

      Delete
  2. That is gorgeous. Nerd catching. You should do an e-book on that. There would be a market.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Madam B - good idea for e-book. We should catch up soon so I can brainstorm with you! xoxo

      Delete
  3. Love it! I must say I'd never heard the phrase 'drop the kids off at the pool'. Thanks for educating me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Emily! Glad I educated you. I don't know where that term originated, butI don't use the phrase all the time. Just special occasions :-))

      Delete
  4. Haha this post could have been written by me although my man and I aren't engaged.

    I suppose the only exception is that I rarely 'let fluffy off the chain' around him. It happens sometimes, but generally not. He thinks it's 'unflattering' for girls to do it. Sounds a bit sexist maybe but meh it's kinda true.

    Thing is, he has no problem doing it in front of me. Luckily for me his hardly ever smell. That's the only reason I let him do it. Although I have recently implemented a new rule...if he lets one go near me he has to give me kisses. I do love this new rule.

    Also, we don't 'drop the kids off at the pool' with the door open. He's kinda paranoid about that kinda thing. He freaks out if he even thinks I can hear him. It's pretty funny!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great post! Very cute. I think I may have seen you unleash the chicken dance- I was unaware that you were even doing it! Very clever.
    I find that sometimes we relax a little tooo much around our wonderful significant others. I even wear my nasty period undies around mine, even if I haven't had a period in over a year, they are very comfortable. Poor Mr.

    ReplyDelete

.