My face resembled the above picture, complimented by a scream. It wasn't a loud scream, it was more on the silent side. It sounded like the winded noise people make after being hit too hard in the guts. Raspy air was coming out of my mouth and nose. My head was rocking back and forth. My mouth was opened wide like a snake about to consume a Volkswagen.
These types of screams signify a greater pain. I was in so much of a panic no noise was coming out of my mouth!! Strange!
At 3:11am I got up, scrawled a list, and frantically googled W E D D I N G S H I T in order to feel like I was making advancements with the wedding planning. I didn't care what I googled, as long as it was shit about weddings so I could cross shit off the list!!
Here's what I found when I googled E A T I N G W E D D I N G S H I T. Nice cake!!
At 3:12am I ordered the wedding cake in the picture. I hope it comes with a creamy mousse centre.
At 3:13am I needed to find a dress so I googled W E A R I N G W E D D I N G S H I T. Here are a couple of lovely dresses. Such a difficult choice!!
AT 3:14am, I ordered both wedding dresses, my plan is to cut both of them in half and stitch them together to make one special dress. I bet you can guess which halves I will stitch together! I might need a jumbo sized bucket of Canesten for that bugger!!
At 3:15am I googled M O R E W E D D I N G S H I T and looked for my bridesmaid dresses.
At 3:16am my bridesmaids surprised me by knocking on my door.
At 3:17am the bridesmaid dresses miraculously arrived. They fit perfectly!! I will definitely give that eBay seller positive feedback. "Fantastic seller. Very prompt. A+ + +".
Here's a photo taken of my lovely bridesmaids. My sisters are on either side of my best friend. Nice pearl necklaces!
Bridesmaid dresses. Tick.
At 3:18am I went back to good old google and typed in W E D D I N G S H I T F O R H I M to find groomsmen outfits.
At 3:18am and 20 seconds, I found exactly what I was looking for.
I expect Lord Daa Doo will need to ravel things up a bit. I don't want him to get an injury if somebody accidentally hits him in the knee area, while we are doing The Nutbush.
Groom and Groomsmen. Tick
At 3:18am and 21 seconds, I hit the google machine to look for wedding transport. It is important to arrive in style. I'd just finished typing G E T T I N G T O T H E W E D D I N G S H I T and was about to hit search, when I was rudely interrupted by a knock at the door.
At 3:19am I opened the door and there was my brother-in-law!! He said he couldn't stay long as he was on his lunch break. but he'd heard I was getting married (my sister Gary must have mentioned it). He wanted to show me his new wedding transport business! I took one look at this luxurious vehicle and immediately I could see how comfortable and elegant the bride looked. I hired him on the spot for mates rates!
He only charged me $50, I told him that was too cheap, and I offered to give him one of my old bras and a red lipstick. He said "cheers" put them on, and trotted down the street.
Wedding transport. Tick
At 3:20am I closed the door and looked at my list. I breathed a great sigh of relief. Much of my wedding list was complete, and it only took 10 minutes! Amazing! Now I can sleep easy.
Try This at Home
If you are unable to sleep because you find yourself worrying. Get up, make a list and google shit. It fixes everything. It doesn't just have to be weddings, you can google all kinds of shit.
If you are worrying about your children at school, google school shit or kid shit.
If you are having relationship problems, google marriage shit or sex shit.
If work is getting you down, have a look at work shit or boss shit.
If you want to find a recipe, try googling can't cook shit or eating shit
The sky's the limit and I've got FOUR months to go until I marry a S H I T!! Nawwww sorry Lord Daa Doo, but you know its true! xoxox