Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Planning Wedding Shit in 10 Minutes - Google Style!

At 3:10am,  I was smacked across the face with the realisation that my wedding is only four months away!!

My face resembled the above picture, complimented by a scream. It wasn't a loud scream, it was more on the silent side. It sounded like the winded noise people make after being hit too hard in the guts. Raspy air was coming out of my mouth and nose. My head was rocking back and forth. My mouth was opened wide like a snake about to consume a Volkswagen.
These types of screams signify a greater pain. I was in so much of a panic no noise was coming out of my mouth!! Strange!

At 3:11am I got up, scrawled a list,  and frantically googled W E D D I N G  S H I T in order to feel like I was making advancements with the wedding planning. I didn't care what I googled, as long as it was shit about weddings so I could cross shit off the list!!

Here's what I found when I googled E A T I N G  W E D D I N G  S H I T. Nice cake!!

At 3:12am I ordered the wedding cake in the picture. I hope it comes with a creamy mousse centre.

 Cake. Tick.

At 3:13am I needed to find a dress so I googled  W E A R I N G   W E D D I N G   S H I T.  Here are a couple of lovely dresses. Such a difficult choice!!

AT 3:14am, I ordered both wedding dresses, my plan is to cut both of them in half and stitch  them together to make one special dress. I bet you can guess which halves I will stitch together! I might need a jumbo sized bucket of Canesten for that bugger!!

Dress. Tick.

At 3:15am I googled M O R E  W E D D I N G  S H I T and looked for my bridesmaid dresses.

At 3:16am my bridesmaids surprised me by knocking on my door.

At 3:17am the bridesmaid dresses miraculously arrived. They fit perfectly!! I will definitely give that eBay seller positive feedback. "Fantastic seller. Very prompt. A+ + +".

Here's a photo taken of my lovely bridesmaids. My sisters are on either side of my best friend. Nice pearl necklaces!

Bridesmaid dresses. Tick.

At 3:18am I went back to good old google and typed in W E D D I N G  S H I T  F O R  H I M  to find groomsmen outfits.

At 3:18am and 20 seconds, I found exactly what I was looking for.

I expect Lord Daa Doo will need to ravel things up a bit. I don't want him to get an injury if somebody accidentally hits him in the knee area, while we are doing The Nutbush.

 Groom and Groomsmen. Tick

At 3:18am and 21 seconds, I hit the google machine to look for wedding transport. It is important to arrive in style. I'd just finished typing G E T T I N G  T O  T H E  W E D D I N G  S H I T and was about to hit search, when I was rudely interrupted by a knock at the door.

At 3:19am I opened the door and there was my brother-in-law!! He said he couldn't stay long as he was on his lunch break. but he'd heard I was getting married (my sister Gary must have mentioned it). He wanted to show me his new wedding transport business! I took one look at this luxurious vehicle and immediately I could see how comfortable and elegant the bride looked. I hired him on the spot for mates rates!
He only charged me $50, I told him that was too cheap, and I offered to give him one of my old bras and a red lipstick. He said "cheers" put them on, and trotted down the street.

Wedding transport. Tick

At 3:20am I closed the door and looked at my list. I breathed a great sigh of relief. Much of my wedding list was complete,  and it only took 10 minutes! Amazing! Now I can sleep easy.

Try This at Home
If you are unable to sleep because you find yourself worrying. Get up, make a list and google shit. It fixes everything. It doesn't just have to be weddings, you can google all kinds of shit.

If you are worrying about your children at school, google school shit or kid shit.
If you are having relationship problems, google marriage shit or sex shit.
If work is getting you down, have a look at work shit or boss shit.
If you want to find a recipe, try googling can't cook shit or eating shit

The sky's the limit and I've got FOUR months to go until I marry a S H I T!! Nawwww sorry Lord Daa Doo, but you know its true! xoxox


  1. Zsa Zsa gabor here, I simply love your concept for the dress. Who is your designer? I must have one!

  2. oh gosh, I'm certain I don't want to google "sex shit." not me. no thank you.

  3. Im with Gia. And I see your blog title has hit puberty, sprouting hair and all. Love it

  4. Looks like you got all that shit covered! Good job!

  5. Google is comforting, indeed, no? :) Thanks for finding me lady, I'm following back and love your site!

  6. Passes out from laughing, lol. Why would anyone... Anyway, good luck with the list, if you need help,give us a shit.. I mean 'shout', lol

  7. hahaha I'm not game enough to google "any shit". Why was your brothers lunch break at 3am? hahaha

  8. I think the bridal gown if fab, a real attention grabber and certainly outshines the bridemaids, which is necessary.....I will have to google some 'mother of the Bride shit'.....

  9. Silent scream indeed. I know it well. By the way - and I really don't want to freak you out or anything - but you totally forgot about the all important table arrangements. Who will Great, Great Aunty Beryl sit next to? WHO!?! Ahh I can hear the silent scream from here. ;)
    Ps - this list was laugh out loud hilarious! Loved it!

  10. THanks for making me laugh - who would have thought you could get so much done in such a short time !!!!!! Have fun for the next four months !!!!

  11. Hahaha, this is amazing! You really just made my day :D

  12. haha that cake made me laugh so much, not sure I could bring myself to eat it though and I am partial to cake in general! x

  13. Hysterical! It's amazing what one can find on google at 3am! (or anytime really). That cake is... umm... shit.

  14. that's some funny shit, dude. Trust me- there's nothing your grandparents will cherish more on your wedding day than seeing 98% of your bosoms.

  15. My stomach hurts. Love your posts. So much that I just had to pass this on:


  16. Oh how I love your blog posts. You and me, I bet we would get on just real damn fine IRL if we ever wondered across each other in our travels. And I have to say, I don't envy you doing wedding shit right now. There's a reason The Man and I have been engaged for 10 years. Shhh, it's because we're both too frickin lazy to actually PLAN the wedding ;)