Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Lady Advice and Etiquette - Dumping Your Gentleman Visitor




There will come a time in a lady's life when that regular gentleman visitor is no longer required, desired or needed. There are two options when it comes to breaking up with your gentleman visitor. The direct approach is for you to dump him. The second is indirect and involves creating situations so he ends up dumping you.


Direct Approach. 
So you are considering taking the direct approach? This flexible approach can be implemented in a number of ways. It can be face-to-face, by a third party, or can incorporate social media and technology.

1. Change your facebook relationship status back to 'single'. You can make this technique powerful, by letting your close friends know in advance and asking them to comment on this status as soon as it changes. They can add comments such as "About time, he was a loser" or "I never liked him anyway".  In addition , you can arrange for one of your male friends to comment with "Great news babe, now we can be together. C U 2nite sexy! xoxoxo <3".  Just make sure your male friend is big and strong, just in case the ex gets a bit angry.

2. Send a text message. If you want to avoid a face to face confrontation, this is a great technique that can be implemented at any time of the day, night and also when shitfaced drunk. You can also add creative and dramatic flair. For a bit of fun (and a free meal), invite him out to dinner and after the main meal, excuse yourself so you can go powder your nose. Whilst in the powder room, hit send on the text letting him know he's dumped. Sneak out and hide behind the pot plants (or the fish tank if you are in a Chinese restaurant), and be amused by his stupid shocked face. To avoid a scene I would recommend you hightail it out of there. A suggestion would be to exit out the toilet window.

3. Go retro and ask a lady friend to dump him on your behalf. This technique is similar to a popular technique utilised in many high schools for decades. To add an even more retro flavour, get your friend to pass him a handwritten note which has been torn from a foolscap notebook with the words "you're dropped!"

4. The lipstick technique. Put on your bright red lipstick and throw down two fingers of scotch. Stand tall, proud and tell him to his face. Here are some suggested lines you might like to use:

"We can't see each other anymore. I've been seeing someone else and they told me I had to choose. Besides, your dad doesn't snore as loud as you".

"I use to think size didn't matter... but it just can't continue. I'm leaving you for bigger and better things."

" I will have to break up with you, My ex-boyfriend Gazza is back. He finished serving his sentence and would love to meet you.

"I really like you, but my parole officer doesn't, so it will never work".




If that doesn't suit, try the:


Indirect Approach

This is more of a passive aggressive technique, but you can be very creative and have lots of fun!  Here are a couple of suggestions to get you started.

1. Stalk and Snog Technique.
Stalk your soon to be ex and track his whereabouts. Put on the ghastly jumper he bought you for Christmas (so he can recognise you) and position yourself somewhere where you can be seen. Stand facing the wall, wrap your arms around yourself, and rub your hands up and down your back, make loud groaning and kissing noises while pretending to make out. From a distance it will look like you are snogging someone, he will think you're cheating and will dump you. Just don't let him get too close otherwise he will realise you're on your own. However, this could work out in your favour, he might think you are too weird and dump you anyway.

2. The Rancid Technique.
Bad smells can be a turn-off, so go to the supermarket and purchase vast quantities of the following:
  • Onion
  • Eggs
  • Baked Beans
  • Cabbage
  • Garlic
  • Raw Prawns

Consume all of the ingredients constantly for a fortnight, except for the prawns, which you will need to keep under your armpits. Make sure you take every opportunity to breathe over your unwanted gentleman visitor. You will know this technique is working, if he starts dry retching and makes excuses about why he can't kiss you. After two weeks, he won't be able to tolerate it.
If you have a job, I would suggest you try this technique while on annual leave as there is a high risk of upsetting work colleagues, and you could find  yourself unemployed.


3. The Rancid Technique - Upsized! 
Put a fish in your pants for a week. I don't think I need to elaborate on what this one will do.


4. The Bloody Scrapbook Technique.
Show him your scrapbook of various childbirth photographs you have collected over the years. This will have greater impact if you take it to show his family and schedule the viewing for just after Christmas lunch. A variation is to create a slide show with music so you can display it on the family TV.
Add a your own personality by naming each of the photographs after his family members. For instance, "The Julie" or "The Linda" or "Nanna".  You can also ask them to pick their favourite and offer to reenact it as you start to remove your trousers. I guarantee you will be kicked out and dumped before you even get the chance to unzip your fly.

5. The Itch Technique.
Start scratching your groin - a lot! When you are out together in public places, complain loudly about an angry red rash at every opportunity. If you are at a restaurant, scratch your groin, and then with the same hand, start picking at his food. For authenticity, this technique can be greatly enhanced if you combine it with technique 3.


For all those ladies out there who are looking to get rid of that unwanted gentleman visitor, these techniques will give you great success.
You could even try some of these techniques to get rid of unwanted family members or unwanted visitors.

What technique have you used to dump an unwanted gentleman visitor?



29 comments:

  1. I dumped someone once via email but all's fair because he was trying to get me to dump him by ignoring me. You know when men do that? They treat you less than nicely in the hope that you will dump them, well that is what happened to J and I.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean. That's their strategy. Ignore and it will go away. I bet that email you sent had an appropriate tone.

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  2. Sadly, I have done most of these. There have been too many men in my life, and still...retirement in nowhere in sight.

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    1. Nellie, you can provide us with some strategies and advice on getting rid of them. I am sure you'd have lots of good funny stories :-))

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  3. You forgot the old "invite the unfit Maori stripper in dirty underwear over that dances the robot and then does a push-up style dry hump on top of you" bit ;)

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    1. Oh I could've incorporated that one. But I think it would be better in a guide to how to asolutely humiliate friends and family members. LOL

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  4. LOL!!! I couldn't stop laughing at this!!!! Amazing! xxx

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    1. Thanks Jen! Glad I could give you a laugh :-))

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  5. Oh god this is hysterical! I love the idea of pretending to snog someone! So funny!

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    1. lol yes just as long as he doesn't get too close, all will be ok.

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  6. Eeeeeek, childbirth photos! *runs away* works for me, too....

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  7. Some brilliant tips here. Unfortunately I am not on the dating scene any more and hitched. But how sad it is that I never got the opportunity to dump someone via text - so painless, so quick.

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    1. yes a text dump is so painless and requires very little effort. Plus you don't get to see the sad face, feel bad and change your mind.
      I'm not on the dating scene anymore either.

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  8. I think the Lord may well be frightened into complete obedience now! Well done me Lady!

    Anonymous is really Alison (cant be arsed setting up a google account.)

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    1. Aren't you normally Anony-moose? I think thats a great name and you should set that up as a google account xoxox

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  9. You could always try this approach:

    http://www.theyfailed.com/girlfriend-gets-tattoo-of-her-boyfriend-after-one-week-and-then-epic-fail-public-break-up/

    it got that girl dumped pretty quick lol

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    1. bhahahaha!! I just read that!! All those responses and it all unfolds right before our eyes!!

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  10. Frikken hilarious Lady! I don't have a dumping technique as such - although I did once get asked out by a letter that said 'will you go out with me, tick yes or no' with two little aptly marked boxes. Granted I was pre-teen at the time, but effective never-less. Perhaps a similarly layout would be appropriate... 'would you like to get your ass dumped today? tick yes or hell yeah?'...

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    1. oooh I like the idea of tick-boxes. It would just neaten up the whole proces and make it much more formal :-)

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  11. the indirect approaches- pure gold! needed a good laugh!

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  12. Hi Sarah, yes I like the indirect approach as well :-))

    Glad I was able to give you the laugh you needed xox

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  13. Tag - you're it! http://emhawker.blogspot.com.au/2012/03/answering-questions-is-easier-than.html

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  14. I happened by and wanted to say thank you for some amazing posts and the many smile you put on my face.

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    1. Thankyou so much Jacana - I love to hear I have put a smile on your face :-)) Your comment put a smile on mine.

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  15. Just stopped by and love this! This is NOT what I was expecting (in a good way!)

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    1. I hope you enjoyed reading it. I like to think of my advice articles as a community service. I aim to help people in need.

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