Saturday, October 20, 2012
Love and Loss
You may have noticed I'd fallen off the face of the earth. In the last few months, my world has been rocked and I've been hiberblognating.
My reason? I found out I have a little life growing inside me. Don't get me wrong, this is great news. I am so happy.........now.
I am 24 weeks pregnant which means we have a little honeymoon baby!! Which is so sweet and perfect. That's the problem. It's all just too perfect.
Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on the biggest roller coaster. I have moments of delirious bliss, and moments of shrieking anxiety. I am scared it will be taken away. I am also scared it is really happening.
When I started blogging my intent was to create a blog on miscarriage and loss, I have lost four pregnancies, and have spent the last few years walking around in a fog. My coping mechanism was humour and that helped me escape that feeling of aching loss. I created this blog in order to deal with the loss and to share my story. That never happened. I just rolled on with the humour.
We all grieve in our own way.
They investigated the reasons why I kept losing my babies. There were no problems, no answers. Our doctor told us "sometimes there are no answers". This was hard. I wanted to find a problem. I figured if they found a problem, we could get it fixed.
In the lead up to the wedding we had stopped trying. I didn't want to lose another baby so close to my wedding. Four days after coming home from our honeymoon, I discovered I was pregnant!! We had fallen pregnant on our honeymoon!! I contacted my doctor and they immediately started monitoring me. I had weekly blood tests, scans and daily doses of progesterone. The first 20 weeks went so slowly. I was compulsively checking for the familiar signs and symptoms of loss. I spent many sleepless nights crying and scared. Lord Daa Doo was wonderful and understanding. He held me close, carefully wiped my tears, and loved me.
We got through the roughest time and now at 24 weeks my anxiety has decreased. I still have moments when I think it is all too perfect and something will go wrong, but when I feel the baby wriggle and kick, I get confirmation it will all be fine.
I know it will be fine.
I have moments when I am smacked in the face with the reality. Holy moley!! I am going to be a mother!!! This generally happens when I realise I can't do my pants up anymore.
OK. So there you go. That's what's been happening in Daa Doo Manor.
I feel incredible love for the little baby growing in side me.
I feel loss for the little ones I never knew.
Here is my favourite picture at the moment. It's my little baby's hand. It's waving at the world it will meet in February. I can't wait to kiss that little hand.