Saturday, October 20, 2012

Love and Loss






You may have noticed I'd fallen off the face of the earth. In the last few months, my world has been rocked and I've been hiberblognating.

My reason? I found out I have a little life growing inside me. Don't get me wrong, this is great news. I am so happy.........now.

I am 24 weeks pregnant which means we have a little honeymoon baby!! Which is so sweet and perfect. That's the problem. It's all just too perfect.




Since I found out I was pregnant, I have been on the biggest roller coaster. I have moments of delirious bliss, and moments of shrieking anxiety. I am scared it will be taken away. I am also scared it is really happening.

When I started blogging my intent was to create a blog on miscarriage and loss, I have lost four pregnancies, and have spent the last few years walking around in a fog. My coping mechanism was humour and that helped me escape that feeling of aching loss. I created this blog in order to deal with the loss and to share my story. That never happened. I just rolled on with the humour.

We all grieve in our own way.

They investigated the reasons why I kept losing my babies. There were no problems, no answers. Our doctor told us "sometimes there are no answers". This was hard. I wanted to find a problem. I figured if they found a problem, we could get it fixed.

In the lead up to the wedding we had stopped trying. I didn't want to lose another baby so close to my wedding. Four days after coming home from our honeymoon, I discovered I was pregnant!! We had fallen pregnant on our honeymoon!! I contacted my doctor and they immediately started monitoring me. I had weekly blood tests, scans and daily doses of progesterone. The first 20 weeks went so slowly. I was compulsively checking for the familiar signs and symptoms of loss. I spent many sleepless nights crying and scared. Lord Daa Doo was wonderful and understanding. He held me close, carefully wiped my tears, and loved me. 

We got through the roughest time and now at 24 weeks my anxiety has decreased. I still have moments when I think it is all too perfect and something will go wrong, but when I feel the baby wriggle and kick, I get confirmation it will all be fine.

I know it will be fine.

I have moments when I am smacked in the face with the reality. Holy moley!! I am going to be a mother!!! This generally happens when I realise I can't do my pants up anymore.

OK. So there you go. That's what's been happening in Daa Doo Manor.

I feel incredible love for the little baby growing in side me.
I feel loss for the little ones I never knew.

Here is my favourite picture at the moment. It's my little baby's hand. It's waving at the world it will meet in February. I can't wait to kiss that little hand.






24 comments:

  1. To my wonderful friend,
    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I am glad your anxiety is abating and you are enjoying not being able to do up your shoes. I am so looking forward to meeting Daadoo junior in February. In the meantime, live it up!
    Love
    Me xx

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    1. Hi Madam B, I too am happy the anxiety is reducing. I miss seeing my feet, and am starting to make old man grunting noises when I bend down to tie them up. I can't wait until Feb when I introduce the baby to my dear friends xoxox

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  2. It is the most amazing and hardest thing you will ever do.
    A
    xxx

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  3. I'm excited to experience it all :))

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  4. Beautiful, wonderful, miraculous. You'll all be better than fine. I cannot believe how brave you have been. You look amazing and I cannot wait to meet your Little Doo. He or she certainly 'had me from hello'!

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  5. Oh Lady - you have me sitting here in tears and waving back at that little hand on the screen. I am so incredibly over the moon for you and Lord Daa Doo... you will be amazing parents. Your loss will only make you stronger and more resolved to make the most of every single second you have with your precious little person. I can't wait to meet him/her! I don't know what it means to you - but I will be praying every day for the safe arrival of your bubbola and that your heart will be calmed and the fears eased over the next few months. February will be here before you know it. xoxoxoxoxo

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    1. I agree, Feb will be here very quickly!! Your thoughts and prayers mean a lot xoxox

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  6. This is wonderful news! I'm so excited for you and so happy you are finally able to have a positive pregnancy experience. Two of my close friends have been undergoing IVF but have unfortunately lost a couple of babies now. It really is a heartbreaking process but I'm so happy for you both! Can't wait to meet the newest little Daa Doo! xx

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    1. Thanks Sheri, sorry to hear about your friends loss as well.

      I can't wait to show the little daa doo off to the world :-)

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  7. Oh Daa Doo, that is AWESOME news!! And it's awesome to hear your voice in the bloggy universe again. I am sending all my positive energy to you and I am sending a big high five to that cute little hand! x x

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    1. Thanks Gillian, it's great to be back :-)

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  8. Congratulations! That is fantastic news.

    What a fantastic picture of the baby too - I like his/her attitude already! I hope the time until February flies so you can kiss that delightful little hand!

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    1. Cheers Kirsty. It is a fantastic picture and just so clear. That hand must be so tiny. Thanks for dropping by :-)

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  9. Bloody hell. I land on a wowser of a blog post. First of all, congratulations and best of luck. And thanks so much for the comment on my blog. I know that little one of yours will love Amelia Jane too. I'll keep an eye out for copies in the op shops for you.

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    1. Thanks Katie - I think it's a bit bloody hell too :-))) I keep saying that a lot lately.

      I hope the little one likes Amelia Jane too.

      Thanks for stopping by :-)

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  10. Aunty Al is sitting at work reading this with tears of happiness. Big Hugs! I am thinking of this song you could sing to yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkje4FiH9Qc

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    1. I love the song! Thanks Aunty Al xooxxo

      Sorry to make you cry.

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  11. CONGRATULATIONS !!!!! I am so happy for both of you !!!!
    High fives to baby Daadoo !
    Have the best weekend ever !!!!!!!
    Love, hugs and positive energy.
    Me

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    1. Thankyou so much!!! We are very very happy xox

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