Catching Nerds

In 2003 I moved into a block of units that had a high nerd population.  My sister and I lived together and we had the most fabulous social life.
Lord Daa Doo lived downstairs, and he had the unfortunate situation of having to hear our all night parties that included drunken tap-dancing with real tap shoes on the kitchen tiles at 3am on a Tuesday night. The poor guy also heard our weeing, and the toilet getting flushed due to dodgy retro plumbing.
 I'd always had 'a thing' for nerds, and I love to laugh. This particular nerd was particularly sweet and he could make me belly laugh. What a catch!

I'd found a suitable victim. Now if you are a nerd lover, you'd be aware they don't generally make the first move. So if a lady is to find nerd love, she has to take the lead. That's what I did.

I am not ashamed to say I have been drugging him for the last 8 years with Rohypnol. I also used techniques I stole from hypnotherapists. Each night I have been secretly putting my iPhone ear plugs into his ears and playing subliminal recordings about how fantastic marriage is, and how pretty I am. I've also included an option for him to dance like a chicken when I snap my fingers. This is for emergencies only. I figure I can bring this one out as a decoy, if I am ever in a situation and need to make a quick getaway. I can snap my fingers, make Lord Daa Doo dance like a chicken, and I can run to safety. He will be the sacrifice.

Now that I have caught my nerd, there is an engagement ring on my finger, I've noticed there are certain things I do differently compared to when we were first 'courting'.

1. I am not afraid to let fluffy off the chain in his presence. Ok. So its not at the stage where I can cock the leg and toot in his direction, but little fluffy always makes him laugh.

2. I can do a 'number one' with the toilet door open. Now admit it. You do this too.  The relationship hasn't progressed to the stage where I can comfortably drop the kids off at the pool with the door open. I hope it never gets to that stage, but I must note, he feels comfortable enough to put me though the agony. The neighbours often hear me screech. "Shut the door you sick bastard!!"

3. I let him put his hand on my stomach without sucking it in.  When first going out, if Lord Daa Doo ever put his hand near my stomach, I sucked it in so far it looked like I had a stomach under my neck.Who was I kidding!! I wonder if other people do this too.

4. I can now do big full faced ugly cries. When I say big ugly cries, I mean BIG UGLY cries. None of this delicate, romantic movie bullshit. My face goes red, my eyes turn inside out and my mouth looks like a cesspool. He just gets a facewasher and gives me a cuddle. .

That's just a couple of things I do differently now. What do you do differently now?

Body Sludge and Wedgies.

Today I had some luxury in my life, I spent my Sunday at a day spa to enjoy some blissful pampering. It started with a Jacuzzi. The room was all dark with little tea light candles glittering. I had a glass of chilled champagne beside me. I could hear the sounds of a flutist playing in a quaint woodland beside a bubbling brook, with the harmonic accompaniment of delicate chirping birds.
Sound relaxing? Yes it does sound relaxing, but it was the opposite. It was fucking stressful !!!

In my mind, all I could hear was the sound of a dickhead banging saucepans, in a stinky factory, with the inharmonious accompaniment of an industrial sized pneumatic drill. The glass beside me? Well it wasn't champagne but was full of black stinky sludge. I was disturbed and stressed because all I could think about was that black sludge in a glass, and the fact that I was sharing a Jacuzzi with all the disgusting filthy guests before me!

I'd never thought about it until about an hour before I went to the day spa. I was stalking facebook and a friend updated her status with:

A little hint... when you book into a spa suite, take a sachet of Spagiene with you - you'll be amazed (&; perhaps a little disgusted) at what is lurking in the jets/system... $5 peace of mind in 5 minutes ;-)

That made me inquisitive. What could be lurking in the jets system? I followed the link my friend had kindly included. The link directed me to a product specialising in spa hygiene.

Here is how the situation was described on the website:

Just imagine...

You have been driving all day and half the night.

You book into a motel and take the deluxe suite because it includes a spa bath and the state you're in, a long hot spa before bed would be simply priceless.

The bath is, as you predicted, magnificent!

You lean over to turn the jets on and suddenly a housemaid enters the bathroom carrying a glass of thick black sludgy looking liquid.

She explains that "in this motel, we don't sanitize our spa baths properly and therefore certain body fats, hairs, bacteria from wounds and potentially awful diseases that have come from previous guests' bodies, have been lodged in the pipes of this spa bath, they look just like the substance in this glass".

"Just thought I'd let you know before you turn the jets on!"

"Well... Are you going to use it now"?


If you don't know - Ask for SPA.GIENE
BE SURE &; BE SAFE!

The remains of the previous guests

 What the fuck!!? I didn't realise this!! Potential awful diseases from other guest's bodies!?! Other people's body fats!?! HAIRS!! Bacteria from other people's wounds!!?? Will I get pregnant??! WHAT ELSE!!??? I was imagining all sorts of disgusting things stuck in the spa jets waiting to explode and pump out all over me!!
I started to panic! WHAT DO I DO? Do I have time to cancel? Should I run out and grab a sachet of this stuff so I don't catch any awful diseases!!!

I ran out screaming and asked Lord Daa Doo. He shrugged. (Well not quite shrugged, but he looked very bored and uninterested in my dilemma!!)

He shrugged!

How would he like it if I came home after swimming in other people's fat, hair, wound scum, gross body fluids, contracted potentially awful diseases and gave it to him????????

He shrugged.
I shrugged.

I didn't have time to order those sachets, I had to get there in half an hour! I was just going to have to suck it up, cross my legs, and leave it to the Jacuzzi gods.

I went to the day spa and was given a white fluffy robe and some disposable underwear. I can never figure out which way those blasted things go and I ended up with the crotch halfway up my waist and the waist part wedged up my bum crack!

 The disposable underwear was my barrier and I figured if they were wedged up my bum crack than nothing can get in.

I eased into the Jacuzzi, eyeballed the water jets and looked to see if there was anything gross floating about. All clear.

I shrugged, closed my eyes, leaned back and listened to the sound of that soothing flutist beside that bubbling brook.

I reached out for my glass of chilled champagne and lifted it to my lips, I took a sip and waited for the zesty champagne goodness to tickle my tastebuds............but all I could taste was black gross thick sludge made up of body fat, urine and infected wounds!!!

Just then, the doors flung open!! I was exposed to an open stinky factory!!  That dickhead came marching in banging his fucking saucepans!! All the workers in the factory were pointing and laughing because my disposable underwear was wedged up my arse!!

There's no way I could relax. I kept thinking of all those gross things like infected wounds, body oils, dead skin cells, urine and I could not stand the thought of swimming around and having them pumped all over me!
Get me out of here!!!!

I gingerly and promptly removed myself from the Jacuzzi, propped my leg up, probed around,  dislodged the wedged underwear, dabbed myself dry and put on the white robe. I grabbed the saucepan from the dickhead, hit him over the head and shoved it up his arse before making my way to the waiting lounge. There, I took a deep breath, calmed down and awaited round two of my spa treatment - a facial.

In the waiting room, I smiled sweetly and sipped some chilled champagne as if nothing horrific and traumatic had occurred. I listened to that wonderful flutist who was sitting on a rock by that  beautiful bubbling brook. All birds and other woodland creatures were sitting around him listening to the soothing relaxing music. I winked at Bambi and started to tap my foot. Thumper joined in and together we watched the dickhead float past in the bubbling brook with the saucepan still stuck up his arse!

The Liebster Blog Award (and the word boobies)

Yesterday was my first day back at work after being on holidays. I was a little cross-eyed and bleary from reading through the high volume of work emails that piled up while I was away. It was also day 1 of 'The Daa Doo Don't Digest Dung Diet", so I was feeling rather weak from a lack of scoffing all things shit, and fried and greasy and processed, and covered in chocolate.

I came home and drowned my sorrows with a dose of blogging and some lettuce leaves. I was super surprised and super chuffed to receive not one... but TWO Liebster Awards on the same day!! Bloody hell !! Is this a world record?!

A great big thankyou to Steph and Emily !!!



EMILY - You Learn Something New Every Day


STEPH - Think BIG. Start small 

Thank you so much for this award ladies!  I love your blogs!! I appreciate your support and recognition. I am trying to think of something funny to write as an acceptance, but it's difficult to be funny when the tears are welling up so much that I can't see what I am tryp ning ol.sd jdlkj  kdldskfjl.

What is a Liebster Award?

"Liebster is a German word, meaning dearest or beloved, but it can also mean favourite.  The idea behind the Liebster Blog Award is that it is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers in order to create new connections and bring attention to these wonderful blogs."

Here's the to-do list of any Liebster award recipient:

1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Post the award on your blog. (Right click on the award image and save it to your hard-drive and then upload it to your blog).
4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the Internet – other bloggers.
5. And best of all – have fun and spread the karma!

Now since being awarded, I have great responsibilities. From my understanding  I get to choose 5 of my favourite blogs and award this prize to them. As I won it twice, I got out my trusty calculator and made a few calculations, and the answer was boobies!

So I got those out and counted them. I had two. so I did another calculation and did 2 boobies X 5 and the answer was 10!

Here are my 10 beloved blogs!!  (I'm allowed to because I won it twice!!!)

1. Madam Bipolar - One of my oldest school friends, Madam B is doing great work creating awareness and supporting others with Bipolar. She is clever and funny and has opened my eyes to the challenges that people with mental illness are faced with. Madam B is popular and has a great following. She has surpassed 200 facebook & twitter followers! She has almost reached 200 GFC follwers!

2.  Sound Advice Horse Health Another one of my dear school friends, Alyssa, is doing fabulous things with rescuing and rehabilitating horses. I love to keep updated with all the developments. She is also a fantastic author and writes wonderful young adult fiction.

3.  Mayor Gia has a great sense of humor, creates funny drawings and is a very active blogger. She always reads other blogs and always comments!

4. The Pink Leopard keeps things purrin' in the kitchen. She has fabulous food ideas and great recipes. She inspires me to eat healthier! I love that she vomits when she's afraid, and she makes explosive green smoothies!

5. Scarlet Wonderland has a great bucket list! She has inpired me to start my own bucket list and start to get some things crossed off. She is hilarious and has funny recounts of her time in Australia.

6. Saturday Morning Ogre Mum I love the way she looks at the world! She's real and raw and fabulous!! I also get the sense she's not afraid to speak her mind. Her tramp stamp is one of my faves.


7. Tessie Girl - Wow!! She is one creative and clever lady! She has a great sense of humor which shines through in her writing. Tessie Girl has created the best flowchart I have ever seen, and she has her own self-made font!! Did I mention she is one creative and clever lady!!?


8. "Jen" e sais quoi  - Jen's post about getting through a stage in Wheel of Fortune had me in stiches. I wish I could watch the US version of this show, so when Jen is a contestant, I can watch her win (or lay down on the wheel).  She is a fantastic writer, and makes me laugh out loud! I also love her blog title, very clever!!

9. Fumbles and Bumbles - Bee's blog about everyday life as a mother,  is lovely, honest and funny. She's not afraid to tell it how it is, and always uses lots of pictures in her posts! I love pictures! She has also run a couple of great competitions and giveaways. One of which I won!! horraaay! 


10.  Our Own Little Home - Mumma K blogs about a life I would love to live. Growing my own vegies in own garden in my own back yard in picturesque Tasmania. She is in the process of prettying up her blog. She inspires me to grow beautiful flowers!



Have a read of my 10 favourites and share some bloggy love with them

The easy part is accepting the award, the difficult part is choosing 5 other bloggers to pass the award on to because there are so many good ones to choose from!

UPDATE:
20/01/12 - Today I received notification that I have been nominated for a THIRD Liebster Blog Award! Yes thats right! A trifecta!
Thankyou to Sheri Bomb who has the most fabulous blog about retro 1950's style, culture and rockabilly! She also has the most amazing and moving tattoo I have ever seen.

Planning Wedding Shit in 10 Minutes - Google Style!

At 3:10am,  I was smacked across the face with the realisation that my wedding is only four months away!!

My face resembled the above picture, complimented by a scream. It wasn't a loud scream, it was more on the silent side. It sounded like the winded noise people make after being hit too hard in the guts. Raspy air was coming out of my mouth and nose. My head was rocking back and forth. My mouth was opened wide like a snake about to consume a Volkswagen.
These types of screams signify a greater pain. I was in so much of a panic no noise was coming out of my mouth!! Strange!

At 3:11am I got up, scrawled a list,  and frantically googled W E D D I N G  S H I T in order to feel like I was making advancements with the wedding planning. I didn't care what I googled, as long as it was shit about weddings so I could cross shit off the list!!

Here's what I found when I googled E A T I N G  W E D D I N G  S H I T. Nice cake!!

At 3:12am I ordered the wedding cake in the picture. I hope it comes with a creamy mousse centre.

 Cake. Tick.

At 3:13am I needed to find a dress so I googled  W E A R I N G   W E D D I N G   S H I T.  Here are a couple of lovely dresses. Such a difficult choice!!

AT 3:14am, I ordered both wedding dresses, my plan is to cut both of them in half and stitch  them together to make one special dress. I bet you can guess which halves I will stitch together! I might need a jumbo sized bucket of Canesten for that bugger!!

Dress. Tick.

At 3:15am I googled M O R E  W E D D I N G  S H I T and looked for my bridesmaid dresses.

At 3:16am my bridesmaids surprised me by knocking on my door.

At 3:17am the bridesmaid dresses miraculously arrived. They fit perfectly!! I will definitely give that eBay seller positive feedback. "Fantastic seller. Very prompt. A+ + +".

Here's a photo taken of my lovely bridesmaids. My sisters are on either side of my best friend. Nice pearl necklaces!

Bridesmaid dresses. Tick.

At 3:18am I went back to good old google and typed in W E D D I N G  S H I T  F O R  H I M  to find groomsmen outfits.

At 3:18am and 20 seconds, I found exactly what I was looking for.

I expect Lord Daa Doo will need to ravel things up a bit. I don't want him to get an injury if somebody accidentally hits him in the knee area, while we are doing The Nutbush.

 Groom and Groomsmen. Tick

At 3:18am and 21 seconds, I hit the google machine to look for wedding transport. It is important to arrive in style. I'd just finished typing G E T T I N G  T O  T H E  W E D D I N G  S H I T and was about to hit search, when I was rudely interrupted by a knock at the door.


At 3:19am I opened the door and there was my brother-in-law!! He said he couldn't stay long as he was on his lunch break. but he'd heard I was getting married (my sister Gary must have mentioned it). He wanted to show me his new wedding transport business! I took one look at this luxurious vehicle and immediately I could see how comfortable and elegant the bride looked. I hired him on the spot for mates rates!
He only charged me $50, I told him that was too cheap, and I offered to give him one of my old bras and a red lipstick. He said "cheers" put them on, and trotted down the street.

Wedding transport. Tick

At 3:20am I closed the door and looked at my list. I breathed a great sigh of relief. Much of my wedding list was complete,  and it only took 10 minutes! Amazing! Now I can sleep easy.

Try This at Home
If you are unable to sleep because you find yourself worrying. Get up, make a list and google shit. It fixes everything. It doesn't just have to be weddings, you can google all kinds of shit.

If you are worrying about your children at school, google school shit or kid shit.
If you are having relationship problems, google marriage shit or sex shit.
If work is getting you down, have a look at work shit or boss shit.
If you want to find a recipe, try googling can't cook shit or eating shit

The sky's the limit and I've got FOUR months to go until I marry a S H I T!! Nawwww sorry Lord Daa Doo, but you know its true! xoxox