Thursday, October 3, 2013

Dear Neighbour with the Hot Tub

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Dear Neighbour with the Hot Tub,

Hi. I live next door.

I appreciate you like to come home after a long day at work and relax in your hot tub. I'm not sure you've taken the time to notice, but our inner city houses are rather close together. Very close together. So close, I could punch a hole in your fence and hit the side of your waterlogged head as you sit in your hot tub. 

I'm grateful you kindly installed tall privacy screens so my husband and I cannot witness your hot tub antics. I would like to point out however, the screens do not block out sound. We can hear everything.

We feel we know so much about you and your friends. You must all lead very stressful lives. So much whining and moaning. We can hear you discuss your problems very loudly as you all shout over the sound of the water jets which I'd like to add are pretty fucking loud. The first time I heard the hot tub start up, I thought you'd started up a 747 engine in your back yard.


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As you spend a lot of time immersed in warm frothy water, I'm concerned for your well being. Do you allow time to dry off? I'm worried if your wrinkly skin stays moist for too long, it might start to fall off in waterlogged lumps. I'm also concerned with the number of people you have in your hot tub each week. I'm starting to get concerned your hot tub is getting filled with other people's body scum and is becoming a bit of a soup. In fact with all the body fluids and waterlogged skin rubbing off,  it's probably more like a stew or a casserole. This poses a severe health risk.

 
Last night was quite a surprise, when you knocked on my door to borrow my cheese grater. I only hope you use it in the proper way. I know it's meant for cheese, but I'd like to clarify it's for cow's cheese not human cheese!

You spent a lot of time in my yard peering back at your house through the privacy screens. I know you were checking to see how much visibility we have from our house. Your comment about walking around naked did elicit a high pitched nervous laugh from me. I can assure you, we would never look. We would rather poke our own eyes out with a tulip, which I know would take a lot of time and effort but would be better than the trauma of seeing you and your husband in your waterlogged glory.

Anyway, this letter is to say you can keep the grater. I don't want it back.

Yours Sincerely,

Lord and Lady Daa Doo


Today I'm linking up with Robomum and The Lounge

20 comments:

  1. oooooohh (I'm scrunching up my nose as I say that). You've put too many horrible images into my head....and yes, give him the grater.

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    1. Sorry Lydia. I hope you've recovered and the horrid images have finally gone.

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  2. Cheese? Keep the grater mate. Keep it.
    We lived awfully close to our previous neighbours - I could smell what she cooked in her kitchen.
    No-one had a hot tub though. That is just too much information.

    Thanks for linking with The Lounge. Robo X

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    1. Thanks Robo. Hopefully it was good smells coming from their kitchen. Our neighbour sets the smoke alarm off.

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  3. WHAT could scarier than those EYEBROWS?? I don't want to know!

    Ps. Love your header :)

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    1. Thanks Lani. I'm very proud of the header.
      The eyebrows are very scary!

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  4. Your sacrifice for the grater good is to be admired.

    Our previous neighbour conducted a Skype romance with a young single mum in the UK, talking loudly into his computer every night on the next door verandah. We lived through the courtship, the assurances of everlasting love and the bitching with mates afterwards when it all went sour post-consummation. Eventually we just had to commiserate with the poor fellow about how things turned out - he stayed inside pretty much from then on.

    That won't help much with a turbo-powered hot tub, though. Good luck with the tulips.

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    1. Oh I wish I heard the Skype romance!!

      Thanks for your wishes for good luck. I think we are in for a long time with the tulips.

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  5. LMAO - Classic! But aren't you just jealous you can't get the baps out willy nilly/ ;) I'm sure I'll be like them when I'm old and our kids have left home!! TRUE STORY x\x

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    1. OK. I confess. I'm slightly jealous. I hope you're still blogging when you're old and get your hot tub. Would make an interesting blog :)

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  6. Oh, just as my husband and I excitedly count down the days until our holiday, when we can jump in a spa, I now will be wondering about the water quality... so, if invited over, would you accept?

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    1. Sorry Kate. I'm sure the water quality will be just fine. If I got an invitation, I would politely decline, but would send the husband over on our behalf. Lol

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  7. That is exceptional writing! Love it!

    The tulip thing made me spit my tea on the screen. Nice work!

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    1. Cheers Alex. A spit is a real compliment :))

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  8. Eeeeeew. Disturbing mental images. Get them out, get them out, get them out, get them OUT!

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    1. Oh sorry Lady Emily. I hope you managed to get those images out of your head!

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  9. I am doing trying-not-to-laugh laughing at my desk at work. The tulip got me too. DAMN YOU FUNNY WOMAN! Great post. The grater. Ugh. Such graphically vivid imagery was conjured I could almost see their crusty cracked heels being scrubbed as you wrote.

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    1. Hahahaha! I'm glad you had a good laugh at work. I thought the tulip was funny too. Imagine how long it would take!

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  10. Can I request a whole post dedicated to difference between human and cow cheese... xx

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  11. So not that you have chosen how enormous and what kind of hot tub you need the time has come to do a wet test. hot tub

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