Friday, May 30, 2014

My Big Fat Vintage Wedding - Kevin and Russell the Bridesmaids

Bridesmaid politics have always intrigued me. It's a vicious underhanded power struggle. I've played the game. I've played it well.

I first experienced bridesmaid politics when I was bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding. There were two bridesmaids and I was selected to be head bridesmaid. The other bridesmaid had trouble deferring to my authority, kept testing the boundaries, and crossing the line at every opportunity. It started when she won the 'how-well-do-you-know-the-bride quiz at the hens party. She beat me and looked at me. I will never forget her face as she looked at me. It was pure evil gloat!! That was the moment I knew it was GAME ON! She continued trying hard to impress the bride with her over-the-top eager bridesmaid enthusiasm. I played it cool, I knew I was the better looking, all powerful, superior bridesmaid. I kept referring to my title and making comments and suggestions that started with "as head bridesmaid..." I knew she hated this. I loved that she hated this.
On the wedding day we got into a bit of push and shove as we both scrambled to be the one to fluff out the bride's dress. Teeth were gritting, and bouquets were squeezed as we elbowed each other all day. We managed to do all this without the bride even noticing. That's true professionalism. The ultimate win was when I caught the bouquet. I haven't seen her since! Though I can still hear her cries from time to time.

For my wedding, I had three bridesmaids. My two sisters, Liss and Nae, and my best friend Mel. I initially selected Liss as head bridesmaid, because she is the next in age and well........ because I had no choice. Liss immediately called dibs on the title and everyone was too scared to contest it. That's the way she rolls, she knows what she wants and she aggressively defends it. She is scary. Her nickname is Ballistic Missile for a good reason!

My bridesmaids. From this line up, can you pick who is head bridesmaid?

Now I have a sense of humour and I like to have some fun. I particularly like to stir my sisters and I had a cunning plan. If I created a sense of competition, I could motivate each bridesmaid to increase their level of performance! That way I would have attentive, resourceful bridesmaids at my beck and call. I started a points system and gave the bridesmaids tasks to complete. I awarded points when things were completed. I awarded bonus points for initiative and also when they complimented me, or bought me a coffee, or offered to rub my feet!  It was awesome. I loved telling a  bridesmaid that the other was in the lead, and it was satisfying to see them scramble to cater my every bridezilla whim. It was a giddying time and I was high on the power!!

My sisters were the most competitive of all and the ultimate joy was seeing my sisters wrestle after my hens day. It was hilarious, entertaining, they made lots of grunting noises and it resulted in the head bridesmaid position being filled. Liss claimed victory and won the coveted title of head bridesmaid. 

On the wedding day, I was surprised to discover a couple of challengers for the title of head bridesmaid. Their names were Kevin and Russell.

Now my bridesmaids were good. I love my sisters and friend dearly. They looked beautiful and they really made the effort to meet my bridezilla demands... but on the day.... Kevin and Russell were that one bit better.

Why Kevin should be Head Bridesmaid

1. Kevin (pictured here on the right) was well dressed, prompt and ready to wait on the bride.

Kevin was so attentive and was willing to stand around for hours waiting for the photographs to be taken. He didn't complain about sore feet and he held the bouquet so elegantly!

Kevin showed great initiative and even provided his own spritzing bottle of water to keep the bouquet hydrated.

Kevin was a skilled fluffer. Every time I turned around Kevin was there to fluff my dress.

Here is why Russell should be head bridesmaid.

Do you want a bridesmaid who knows how to troubleshoot? Do you want a bridesmaid who keeps calm when there is a major crisis? Meet Russell.

Russell should be called The MacGyver Bridesmaid! He is resourceful and can sew the shit out of a busted wedding dress in under 10 minutes!

Russell the MacGyver Bridesmaid saved the day!! When I busted out of my wedding dress, it was crazy panic and lots of f-bombs. Russell calmly took control of the situation and stiched. Where in the hell did he get the sewing kit? I still don't frigging know!

Professional photographs of my Big Fat Vintage, were taken by Naomi Frost and Xanthe Roxburgh - Newcastle's bestest and most fabulous photographers!!


  1. This is hilarious! I know what you mean about bridesmaids and the pecking order!!! I 'had' to have my 2 sisters, who knew it was the law? And then I had my 2 best friends. I adore that you have a male stitching your dress up - what a lege. You are a simply stunning bride. Totally your sis with her hands on hips!

    1. hahaha! Well spotted! The body language just screams power play!!

  2. As always - love your posts !!!
    Me xox

    1. Thank you :)) As always I love you dropping by!! I'm glad to have something finally posted :)