Sunday, June 1, 2014

Advice and Etiquette: Awkward Social Encounters

Social events are a mandatory component of a lady's existence.

In social circles there are many types of awkward people. Sometimes a lady will find herself in social situations meeting and greeting awkward and offensive people.

You can tell a true lady, by the way she conduct herself during these awkward moments. She is composed, elegant and refined.

To assist my ladylike readers, I have listed the most common awkward social situations.

The Snogger likes to press his/or her lips on everything they meet. Recent research indicates this stems from a childhood urge to explore by putting everything and anything in the mouth. The Snogger hasn't realised it's impolite to put people they've just met in their mouth. People often turn away before the lips make contact on the cheek, so The Snogger can be found accidentally kissing the top of people's heads, their necks, their ears, or even gagging on hair. When greeting the Snogger it can sometimes feel like you've been violated, especially when the Snogger goes for the double or the triple kiss.

The Flapping Groper can be found with one hand touching your arm, or your waist, or your back, or your bum, or your breast. The other hand is usually flapping around like it has a mind of its own.   You can always spot The Flapping Groper from across the room as they gesture wildly when speaking. They are usually accompanied by the sound of shattered glass as their crazy waving arms knock over glasses, drinks and trays of food. In extreme cases guests have reported black eyes and bleeding noses as a result of a conversation with a Flapping Groper. If you invite a Flapping Groper to your party, I'd suggest you hold the function outdoors or on tiled flooring. The Groper will be sure to ruin your pristine white carpet and feel you up all at the same time.

This person gets close to your face and with every word, spits like crazy. It's as though they have a sprinkler hose attached to their gullet. These people like to talk about politics, and make sweeping generalised comments with the sole purpose of offending as many people as possible. They also cover other guests in small particles of food, saliva and stomach juices. This type of person is lethal when combined with The Flapping Groper. They should be avoided and pose a serious risk to your health as you may ingest their discarded fluids.

The Wailing Banshee is usually related to the host or hostess. This is because you wouldn't invite them unless there was a blood-related obligation. The Wailing Banshee usually has one drink and can be found crying and wailing to everyone about their misfortunate life. They usually target complete strangers and like to bring up subjects about abused childhoods, divorce or even death. At the end of the night The Wailing Banshee can be found rolling around the floor, howling and flailing, trying to fight off their past demons as other guests step uncomfortably around them.

There are two types. The Static Wind Bag and The Hasty Wind Bag.

The Static Wind Bag can be seen standing in the same spot all night. This person has a pinched looking expression as they desperately clamp their buttocks together to hold in their wind. The only time the Static Wind Bag can be found moving is when the wind bag fills up, and they need a quiet place to release. This is when they can be seen walking stiffly with clenched buttocks accompanied by the squeaky sound of air being slowly released from a balloon.

The Hasty Wind Bag is always on the move. This person circulates through the room, circulating their wind like they have an industrial fan attached to their arse. This person thinks if they move around enough, other guests won't catch them releasing wind. The reality is, stinky, we know it is you!! The Hasty Wind Bag doesn't realise other guests have identified the smelly common denominator. This is in addition to the fact that with every handshake or air kiss, their wind filled clothing releases puffs of stale wind.

A true lady understands the given reality. At some stage, she will encounter these awkward and offensive types of situations.  With that knowledge, a highly skilled lady will plan in advance and undergo vigorous lady training to ensure she is prepared to handle these situations gracefully.

If you have encountered any of the above awkward situations, what did you do? Have you encountered a different situation? Please share, so all ladies can be prepared.


  1. Rahahahaha!! You've just confirmed why I don't like parties or people. Weird creatures. Thanks for the advice!

    1. You're welcome Ness. I agree, they are weird creatures!! :)

  2. Oh dear - I'm a flapping groper! xxx

    1. Hahaha! Oh no Janet!! Have you smashed lots of glass?

  3. This was too good of a post for me not to link up to the Laugh Linkup hosted by myself and a few others, hope that cool! YOU ARE AWESOME. I just get drunk and see where the night takes me!

    1. Cheers Emily!! I was giggling a bit when I wrote it. Thanks for the linkup and I expect to see a post about what happened when you got drunk! :-)