A Sunrise, A Photoshoot, And A Bump

One very early morning in December, Lord Daa Doo and I made some coffee, went to the beach and met our favourite photographers Froxy for a pregnancy photo shoot.

It was cold, it was windy, it was early, and it was fun. We stood and watched the sunrise that symbolised the start of our new life as parents. We swam and floated in the ocean, which symbolised...... um which symbolised.....ummmm ?????? The only thing I learnt about floating in the ocean was how fricken big my nips could get!! It was COLD!! Maybe it was symbolic of what happens when you breastfeed. I haven't posted any nip shots, so there is no need to quickly scroll down to check them out!! Trust me, you don't want to see.

I am glad we have such beautiful photographic memories of our pregnancy. I look at the selfies I took when I was pregnant and they all consist of bloated feet and an angry leg rash. These ones are much more beautiful and have even convinced me that pregnancy is glamorous.

While He Lays Sleeping I Wonder

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As my baby lays sleeping, I take my eyes off him for a moment so I can write. I have been staring at him for hours, days and weeks. I have been engrossed and hypnotised. He is amazing and he is changing right before my eyes.

I wonder if I will ever get sick of looking at him? I don't think it's possible.

I wonder what he is thinking? I expect his world is all about boobs, wind, cuddles and sleep.

I wonder what he will become, and who will he be?

I wonder how so much poo can explode out of someone so tiny?

I wonder if he will break my heart? I love him so much my heart hurts.

I wonder who he will love? Will he love them more than me?

I wonder why I am so lucky to have him?

He is my wonder.

Shocked, Leaking and Ready!

Have you missed me?

I've been busy recovering after a child was removed from my guts. I've also been busy dealing with the shock of having a child removed from my guts. It's so noisy, demanding and it leaks ....... alot!!! ..... I don't know what I expected...... anyway I am much lighter, sleep deprived, leaking, and ready to get back into the world of blogging.

I have lots of stories to tell and promise that some will involve body fluid. You know you love it!!!!

Stay tuned for some updates in the near future! Xxxx

Week 28 - Chinese Cabbage

Apparently there is a living thing rolling around inside of me that is the size of a Chinese cabbage!!  I don't know if I have ever tried Chinese cabbage and if I did, I wonder if it gave me wind.

The Chinese cabbage is related to the common turnip which I think I carried around during week 17.  Last week I carried around something about the size of a head of cauliflower. These foodly comparisons are most convenient, because I can pick these items up and see how big this baby is. I can also imagine pushing these vegetables out of a much smaller space.

My biggest mistake was to sneak a peak of what type of vegetable I will have in my guts in a few weeks time. Can I just mention that week 39 is a fucking watermelon!!!!!!

Fishing - The Great Scam?

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One of the best times of my day is the half  hour before I go to sleep. This is Pillow Talk Time. Lord Daa Doo and I lay in bed, he places his hand on my stomach and we talk about our little baby. We discuss and agree on the morals and values we will teach our little one. We discuss and disagree on names for our baby. We share stories about our own childhood and it's a chance for Lord Daa Doo to connect with the baby because he can feel it wriggle and kick. I love our Pillow Talk Time.

Last night during Pillow Talk Time, Lord Daa Doo gently rested his hand on my stomach and said:

"You know those feelings you get when you want to clean and get everything ready for the baby?"

"Yes" I said.
Ashamedly, I've recently received a world champion title for nagging. I've been whinging and begging for Lord Daa Doo to sort out the spare bedroom and clear out his shit so we can make room for the baby stuff.

"Well........" he said, ".........I really get these strong feelings like I need go fishing more".

At that point I sat up in bed and stared at him for 1 minute before responding.

"What!??!!  You need to go fishing more??!!"

"Yes" he said calmly.

"You NEED to go fishing??!!" I repeated in a tone that was higher and louder, just so the neighbours could hear.

"Yes. I really feel like I want to fish more. It's kinda like I have this urge to hunt for food and look after you both."

I eyeballed Lord Daa Doo suspiciously. In my opinion, I was suspicious he was trying to avoid clearing and sorting out his shit. I was suspicious he was trying to scam some undeserved recreation time.

"You have an urge to hunt for food??" Again my voice increased in pitch and volume.


I stared into his eyes, he blinked back at me. I continued to stare at him trying to conjure my lie radar that can detect a lie within a 5 metre radius. He blinked back. The detector didn't go off. There was nothing. He was telling the truth!! Then it dawned on me. He is nesting!!

Men must get those nesting and nurturing urges too!!

It was at that point I gave him a big hug and said "Of course,  you must go fishing!!" he grinned. So I smiled back lovingly and added,  "After you clean your frigging shit out of that room!!"

Lady Advice and Etiquette - The Office Slacker

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 I am often sought out for my ladylike wisdom and am always willing to provide some good ladylike advice.

I recently had a question on my Facebook page asking for advice.
Lady Amie asked:

Lady Daa Doo, I need advice- how would you suggest I 'encourage' a colleague to lift her game? What would a lady doo?

 First of all, thank you for asking such an important question Lady Amie. I am sure many ladies are faced with similar situations. This type of problem is not limited to the office, but can be found in most working environments or even in some marriages. Often the 'Slacker' will start out well, they look busy, they appear productive, but after a period of time the cracks start to show.

 Here are a couple of my suggestions on how to handle or encourage 'The Office Slacker'.

 

1. Take a digestive approach, offer to do the sandwich run and pick up every one's lunch. Take some preprepared crushed caffeine tablets and sprinkle this generously through The Slacker's lunch. The Slacker will be so wired on caffeine, they won't be able to keep still. If you get the quantities right, they might even be prepared to do a double shift, so have some of your extra work ready to give them.

 

2. Use your imagination to create the perfect dream job and type up a false job advertisement. Show The Slacker this fake job, and tell them it how perfect it is for them. Make sure the job advertisement clearly states that a high level of performance in their current position will be critical in being considered for the role. Therefore, you will need to make sure the job is internal and within the company.

What you should find is The Slacker will start to perform better because they will feel their success is reliant upon their work performance.   This option can have some drawbacks, because if they start to perform very well, you could end up looking like The Slacker in comparison.

 

3. Encourage The Slacker to go to the pub for lunch. As they are a Slacker, this step should be easy because they would be keen for a long lunch. Ask them to go early, order some drinks and save a table for yourself and 9 of your colleagues. Give The Slacker $50 so they can pay for the drinks and let them know you and all the colleagues will be there soon.

Now the trick to this step is that there's no planned lunch. Once The Slacker has left for the pub, ask your boss for a confidential chat. Speak to your boss and tell them that The Slacker has a drinking problem, has gone to the pub and you are very worried about them. Make the suggestion that your boss should go to the pub to see for him/herself. 

Your boss will go to the pub and will catch The Slacker sitting at a table with a lot of drinks. If it all goes to plan, The Slacker will be pulled back into line and become micro-managed.  This should get The Slacker working hard.  

You might need to mention to your boss in advance that The Slacker has been covering up their drinking problem with lies. That way if The Slacker tries to tell the boss that the drinks were for 10 colleagues the boss will think The Slacker is lying. 

 

4. Try the odour approach. This approach has been used by dog trainers in order to stop problem dogs from barking. I am sure you have heard of the "Citronella Collar" where a squirt of citronella shoots out whenever the dog barks.

When dealing with the The Slacker, it can be a rather challenging to get a collar around their neck, so you will have to source the odour from elsewhere. My suggestion - crop dusting!!

Wander around the office and silently, yet delicately, leave a odour that will deter The Slacker from loitering in areas that encourage laziness. 

When The Slacker is loitering near the water cooler at 11am on a Tuesday still talking about their weekend, crop dust them!! If The Slacker is hanging around the lunchroom at 4pm still reading the newspaper they started at 12:30pm - crop dust them!!

If you master this technique, you should be able to manoeuvre The Slacker so they are only able to escape the odour in their 'work area'. This will encourage them to get off their arse and do some work. 

Please be warned - this approach will only work best if you work in a busy environment with a lot of people. If it is just the two of you, it is very obvious who the crop dust culprit is and as we all know, a lady never ever ever passes wind.

 

Lady Amie, I hope this has helped you with a couple of ideas to encourage The Slacker. 

As always, I am available to provide any type of advice or solution to help you with any problem you may have. No problem is too big or too small. 

Please ask your question here or here. I will respond with genuine ladylike advice.

 

Hot Red Leather

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I am happy to say something amazing has come into my life. It is hot, red, luxurious, and it rocks!!  I have found real love and real comfort. In my lifetime I have used many, perhaps I've even loved some of them. However nothing compares to this. It feels sensational and it totally understands every curve of my body.


When I'm at work, all I can think about is coming home to sit on it and feel it. I've only known it for 2 weeks, yet my body feels like it has known it for a lifetime.

I know it is there for me, to support me, to hold me and soothe me.I feel possessive and I don't want to share. I get jealous and angry if it is touched by others. It is just for me and I will scratch and fight anyone who dares go near it. I know it will be so popular, with anyone who enters my house, so I have created a sign to warn others to keep their arses away!!

I'm in love and it's all mine!!